Thursday, March 26, 2015

I turned around, and she was gone.



Syndil did great at Target. We talked about how she didn't have to go in the cart, so long as she listened and stayed close. And she did. She did great.

When we were finished, we ate some lunch in the little food court. Basically just Starbucks. She wanted chocolate milk.



Leo had been riding in the front of the cart, and I had his carseat stashed in the back. After nursing him, I put his carseat on the table, and strapped him in.

"Ok Syndil, stand right here and touch this chair. I'm putting Leo's carseat in the back of the cart."

"Ok mama!"

I plopped him in, turned around, and she was gone.

I ran around the cart, looked under the table. She was gone. Gone. In 3 seconds. I yelled "Watch him!" to the barista, and took off.

She wasn't by the cash register. She wasn't in the dollar section. I spun around desperately, and caught the flash of a little silver skirt running towards the parking lot.

I caught her. She was giggling. I was shaking with fury. I carried her inside like a sack of potatoes, not gently. We grabbed Leo, and left. I was planning the spanking of a lifetime.

I snapped Leo's carseat in the car, and then walked to the trunk where I had perched her, "Don't fall," before stomping over to put the groceries in the passenger seat.

"Let's talk."

I explained that her running away made me scared. So scared. And she could have been hurt, or lost, and I couldn't find her. Then I started crying.

"Oh no, mama sad!!"

"Yes. I'm sad that you ran away. I'm sad and I'm scared."

"Is ok. Dada come, and pick you up, and kiss you. Ok?"

"How about you kiss me."

She hugged me hard.

"I sorry."

And we came home. And she is napping. And I just can't do this. This parenting thing? It is too much. The highs are too high, the lows are too low, and nothing is safe.


Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Another near miss.



Just got home from the ER.

I was carrying Leo down the stairs on my hip, and my foot just slipped out from under me. I hit hard, and he flew out of my hands, slammed face first into the wall around waist high on the landing, hit the ground, and then bounced down the bottom 4 stairs.

I can't even tell you, guys.

My hand wasn't working, but I managed to pick him up. He didn't black out, cried for maybe 2 minutes, and then was perfectly fine and wanted to crawl around.

I was on the phone with his pediatritian's office within a minute, asking what I should look for for a concussion, but they said that I had to take him to the ER. This little, you don't want to wait for symptoms of a concussion.

I explained that I am watching a friend's 2 year old while her newborn is at the ER right now with a fever, and I had Syndil, and not enough carseats. He said "Ma'am, I would never suggest this. And I don't want to scare you. But this one time, put one of the toddlers in the car in the adult seatbelt, and drive carefully. It is that serious."

So...I didn't do that. But it put it into perspective. A friend rushed over to watch the girls, and I took Leo to the ER.

Anyway, he is fine. But the image of him hitting the wall, falling, and bouncing down the stairs will not leave my head. The what-ifs are haunting me.


Tuesday, March 17, 2015

my fingers are buried in a mountain of diappointing chocolate crumbs



I made 2 dozen cookies. But then I tried one, and they taste gross.

So I got my chocolate chips back. #noshame


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