I just stood there.

What would you do if a little old man came up to you, and said;

"you shouldn't eat so much. You'd look better."

Because I just stood there in shock.

And then I wanted to cry.

It's been a rough week, you guys. And it's only Tuesday.



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And THAT is why you need 6 weeks (or months?) to recover.

I was tidying up the t-shirt tables at work today when a young mother walked in with a double stroller. In this stroller were two little kids. They were the exact same size.

"Hi there! How old are you guys?"

The cute little boy and his sister both held up three fingers. I smiled at them, and then asked their mother, "Are they twins?"

She sighed heavily.

"No. But they are both 3. They're only 10 months apart."

Ten months. TEN! That means she got pregnant a month after giving birth.

I guess my horror must have shown on my face.

"Yeah." She said in a hopeless voice. "It was not planned."

You guys, what would you do? Besides murder your husband in his sleep, of course.

They didn't even look Irish...

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MY NEW (completely awesome) JOB!!

I got a job!!

So, you remember back when I was laid off right before Christmas? And how they wanted to hire me back? And how they never got the funds, and so I've been not-working, and mostly just sleeping since January??

Yeah. Kurt noticed that too.

"So, you're still spending money. Maybe you should make some."

I politely ignored his little remark, and went back to my leisurely shopping ways.

But then, on one fateful afternoon, I was walking by a Carter's baby clothes store...

...AND I WENT IN.

No wait, it gets better.

I ASKED FOR AN APPLICATION.

AND I GOT THE JOB.

Jump back!

I feel weird saying this, but it's kind of my dream job.

I love the merchandise (and I love my discount.)

I love my customers (who isn't happy about baby clothes??)

And I love my boss/coworkers

(that's probably the most important one. It can make or break a job.)

I even love the cash register! (I was gushing about it for days. No really, it was super exciting. It's a touch-screen, and it's so easy, and in past retail jobs that has been my worst nightmare.)

Every time I work, I come home happy. Actually, I don't even want to come home- it is that much fun.

And that secret stash of baby clothes that I've been collecting for the past few years? Is not so little anymore. In 14 years, I might even have enough to cloth a baby...

<3



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Shutterfly and springtime.

I know, summer is almost here. But before it hits, I want to take a minute and think about spring. It's the most exciting season (for me) because if winter lasted another month, I would never make it without turning into a homicidal maniac.

No, really. I get crazy.

And while I dream about summer, the reality is kind of hot and sweaty.

So Springtime. Is awesome.

Now, you might be wondering why I am talking so much about a season that is almost over. Well, I am participating in Shutterfly's Spring Announcements Promo. True to form, I am waiting until the almost-last-day to do it (the deadline is Sunday).

You can do it too (if you do it fast). Sign up here, and you could earn 50 free cards from Shutterly. Which you could use for all kinds of stuff. Moving Announcements, Thank You Cards, Graduation Invitations, etc.

I'm using mine for Baby Shower Invites (if they get here in time). No, not for me. For the shower I am hosting. I'm not pregnant.

And if it's too late this time, keep an eye out. They do this every few months. I participated in their Christmas promo, and got 50 awesome Christmas cards.

Unfortunately, due to an unexpected job loss, I ran out of money, and couldn't send them out.

Lame, huh?

I probably should have told you guys back then, but that's kind of when I went on my also-unexpected blogging hiatus.

But I was really impressed with the quality of those cards. I still pull them out sometimes, and admire the cardstock.

Here, I'll show you what they looked like:

(click to enlarge)

It's referencing this traumatic blog post. And it would have been fantastic.

The moral of the story? Don't get laid off. Also, Blog for Shutterfly. They are awesome.

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When life gives you lemons...

Punch it in the face. WTF, life? Lemons???

Thank you for your support. I didn't answer all the comments yesterday, because I was a little overwhelmed with the entire situation. Just know that I appreciate your concern, your advice, and your offers to take matters into your own hands.

You know, hypothetically.

It looks like I have been laid off indefinitely. My boss is also not getting paid, because without that grant, there is no money. And it's just a 2 person show around here.

He assured me that I will get my check before he gets his, but we don't know when that will be.

It's been a stressful 24 hours.

I'm looking into unemployment right now. Plus, with my pole dancing skills to fall back on, I know we won't starve.

But things are going to be tight for a while.

My biggest hope is that the government will get its head out of its butt and give us that money that they promised in writing. If that happens, I will have my job back, and work here for the rest of my life (approximately).

(sadly, we aren't sure that it will ever come)

My second biggest hope is that I will inherit a fortune from an unknown relative who secretly reads my blog.

(It's kind of a long shot)

And I don't even want to think about job hunting.

But for now, I have some extra time on my hands. And I have a few project ideas floating around, which I never had time for when I had a full time job.

Good combination? Why yes, I think so.

See? Silver lining.

Lemon-scented silver lining.

I need a hug.

.



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What would you do if you lost your job right before Christmas? You know, hypothetically.

Let's pretend that you work for a struggling little Non Profit company. You get to be office manager.

Now let's pretend that a government grant for a lot of money, one you were depending on, doesn't come in. Even though it was promised. In writing.

And then let's say the Director comes up to you, and says "We couldn't meet payroll this month. And it's not looking good for the rest of the year. You aren't being fired. Let's call it a...furlough."

Right before Christmas.

And so that month you just worked? You did that for free.

And they only told you today.

What would you do?



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Current stress level: half way between an ulcer and a heart attack.

Holy hell you guys. I am just glad this day is over.

Bring on the holiday.

.



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I Could Have Died. Or Worse- Someone Could Have Seen Me!

Here is one of this week's prompts, from Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop:

"Forget Thanksgiving, write about that time you fell down."

I'm on it.

A little while ago, I decided to wear heels to work (I wanted to impress all of the ladies in the lunch room with my sexy strut).

This was a few weeks after my leg collapsed for no reason. But I was feeling pretty confident, since I hadn't experienced any reoccurring paralysis.

Also, I was wearing a new shirt.

I owned that office.

At the end of the day, I stood up and stretched. Time to go home. I gathered together my belongings (which always end up strewn across my desk, no matter how hard I try to contain them), and headed out the door.

I thought about taking the elevator, but decided against it. Why not use the stairs? I could get in my exercise for the day, and practice my seductive walk. BONUS.

....It was a bad choice.

I took one dainty little step, and my leg collapsed.

I rolled down an entire flight of linoleum stairs.

I could have died.

Or worse- Someone could have seen me!

My body came to rest against the dirty stairwell wall. I lay there for a second, wondering how the hell I had survived.

Then gingerly, I sat up and began to assess the damage. Nothing hurt very much, and there were no open wounds. I hadn't hit my head, and nothing seemed broken.

...Except my pride.

My new shirt was dirty, and sticking slightly to the gray patch of who-knows-what that was smeared along the wall.

Perfect. Just perfect.

I stared at my foot for a second, waiting for an explanation.

It wasn't asleep. There was no numbness, and that pins and needles feeling was jarringly absent.

Shaken, I stood up, and looked around. The downside to not having an audience is that no one is there to pick you up.

After a minute, I braced myself, and put my foot on the ground.

...Nothing.

I added more weight, daring it to collapse. But it felt just as strong as ever.

Of course it was.

Sighing, I began to gather the contents of my purse.

I haven't worn heels since.

--------

I would like to thank The Empress, for introducing me to Mama Kat. Without her, this story would never have been told.

(at least, not today)

.



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I could snap at any moment.

• Old Geezer: "The flag needs to be lit at night!"

• Me: "The flag code actually says that there needs to be 'sufficient lighting', however it does not specify what that means."

• Old Geezer: "Yes it does, stupid." No really, he just called me stupid. "I read it before you were born."

• Me: "Well, either they changed it, or you are senile (I'm thinking the latter)."

Ok. so I didn't actually say the senile part. But I wanted to. I really, really wanted to.

....I'm having a rough day.

--------

You know what? I'm going to link this up to Flip Off Fridays with Momma Kiss. Because I would love nothing more right now than to shove my middle finger up that old man's nose.



Also, F Bomb Friday, with MiMi. It's a good fit.

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I need a vacation. Bad.

If my boss doesn't stop rocking his squeaky desk chair, I cannot be held responsible for my actions.

.



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Ok, I'll admit it. I love my job.

My boss just turned to me and asked;

"Helena, what is the 'You Tube'?"

And it made my day.



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How To Figure Out Your Bra Size: A Useful Guide From A Qualified Expert

I worked for Victoria's Secret the summer after my Freshman year of college. People at church were shocked.

"A Kaiser Girl is working at Victoria's Secret??"

(I don't get it. You guys know me- of course I would work at Victoria's Secret.)

It was like they expected me to immediately start humping random strangers in the dressing rooms.

(Not that there's anything wrong with doing that.)

(Kidding, obviously. That would be immoral. At least exchange names first.)

I learned a lot of important things that summer:

1. How to stop a shoplifter in his tracks:

"Excuse me! Sorry, but that thong is falling out of your pocket. Would you like me to put it back for you?"

2. How to diagnose the problem in a bra:

"See how your boob is overflowing? That means the bra cup is too small. Nice tattoo, by the way."

3. How to make enemies of the other sales girls:

"Oh hey, it's time for my break! Have fun getting that guy out of her dressing room. She's moaning so loud, it's frightening the other customers."

4. How to reassure a cross-dresser with a perfectly straight face:

"You and your wife want matching lingerie? No problem. Do you two prefer lace, or leather?"

But my most useful life skill?

5. How to measure your chest, and determine your bra size.

And now I'm going to share that wisdom with you.

Before we begin

Take a tape measure. Or a piece of string and a ruler.

Put a bra on. One with little or no padding works best. This makes it MUCH easier to find the fullest point of your chest, which we will need for step 2.

Step 1. Determining Your Band Size

Tightly measure your ribs, right under your boobs. Your arms should be down. If this measurement is an odd number, round up to the nearest even number. Make a note of the inches. For me, it's 31", so I round up to 32.

That's your band size. I wear a 32 (but a 34 fits on the tightest notch).

A note about notches: The problem with starting on the tightest notch is that as you wear it, the material will stretch. If you're starting on the loosest notch, you can gradually tighten it.

If your band size is an even number, you may want to go up 2 inches. If I was a 34, a 36 might fit better. It depends on the stretch of the material.

Do not add 5 inches! That is an outdated method, which dates back to 1930. Back then bra design was new, and that system does not work with the stretchier materials used today.

Step 2. Determining Your Cup Size

Measure around the fullest part of your chest. Do this loosely. You should be able to fit 2-3 fingers between your chest and the tape measure/string. Make a note of those inches. For me, it's 38".

Now, what's the difference between the cup size measurement and the band size measurement?

Here is the equation, with my numbers: 38-31 = 7.

For each inch of difference, you have a letter.

1 inch = A

2 inches = B

3 inches = C

4 inches = D

5 inches = DD

6 inches = E

7 inches = F

And so on.

So yes, I am a 32 F. Try finding that size in a store.

Which brings me to my next point. What if you are in a store, and you fall in love with a bra, but they don't have it in your size?

If you are normally a 34C, you can try a on 36B. The cups will fit, because the cups on a 34C and a 36B are the same size. The band will be a little loose, but you can try it on it's tightest notch, or work some safety-pin magic (ghetto, but semi-effective).

Where most women go wrong.

Because the cup size is directly related to the band size, if you are fairly slim, you may need a large cup size even though your boobs don't look any bigger than average.

The pros of wearing the correct size:

Your boobs will get better support. Which means they will sag less.


(this is incredibly useful. I learned things, and I'm an expert.)

You're Welcome.

Disclaimer: Using this method will tell you what size to try on first. Bra size can be effected by distribution of body fat, back proportions, or a difference in the manufacturers sizing, among other things. There are many factors that interact with your bra size, and I can't predict them all.

 (all uncredited images used in this post have been purchased)


.



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Shhh! He's coming!

Hey guys, I'm writing you from my iGoogle page, on the blogger widget. And this is why:

He is driving me crazy.

TWO DAYS IN A ROW.

Ugh.

I hate it when work gets in the way of my blogging schedule.

.



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The Flag Girl

Remember that time when I told you all about my job? And how I unexpectedly became the voice of flag authority?

This past week was pretty busy in the office. People were calling non-stop with questions about how to properly retire a flag (you burn it), how to get their neighbors arrested for disobeying the flag code (seriously people?), and with questions about the history of this holiday.

Mostly, they were curious about why the flag is only flown at half staff until noon on Memorial Day.

So in honor of the holiday, I thought I'd take a break from all the barbecuing, come in from the sunshine, and tell you about that last question.

(Who am I kidding? You all know I wrote this days ago)

The flag is flown at half staff during the morning of Memorial Day, in honor of all the people who gave their lives fighting for our freedom.

Then at noon it is raised back to full staff to symbolize how we, as Americans, look towards the future with pride and hope.

So get back out there, and enjoy that sunshine. Eat a hot dog. And keep in mind the heroes who made it all possible.

Happy Memorial day.

.



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This post is funny, because I'm actually in another country right now.

I know a LOT about Flag Etiquette. It's kind of my job. And by kind of, I mean it actually is my job. I'm not sure why I said it like that.

I get calls all day every day with people asking me things like "Which side of the stage does the flag go on" and "can I leave my flag out all night" and "I think anybody who steals my flag from my front yard and burns it should be shot and YOU SHOULD PUT THAT IN YOUR PAMPHLET."

I love my job.

A few months ago, I had no idea how to properly retire a flag. Heck, I didn't even know private citizens can half staff their flags whenever they want to!

I know.

But don't worry, I am now the voice of Flag Authority. Ask me a question. I DARE YOU.

(and if I don't know the answer, I can always ask my boss.)

And since you are wondering, I will tell you one of the most frequently asked questions. Heck, I'll even throw in the official answer. YOU'RE WELCOME.



"I have an American flag, and a State flag, and another country's flag, and a company flag. Which order do I hang them in?"

Where do I even begin?

First, determine your audience. Which direction will most people be looking at the flags from? Is it in a room with a bunch of chairs facing a stage? Or is it outside, in between a building and a freeway? Once you figure out your audience, we can move on to The Phrase I Repeat 50 Million Times Per Day.

"The American flag is ALWAYS to the extreme Left of the audience."

So on that stage? It goes to the speaker's right. Because that is the audiences left.

In between the building and a busy Freeway? The Freeway is your audience, because more people will be looking from that direction.

Now for order. As you know, the American flag goes on the audience's left. Next, you can put either the State flag, or the International flag. That's up to you. And then your company flag goes to the extreme right.

Adding a POW flag to the mix? Stick that next to the American flag. Unless you don't want to. Really, that is up to you, and someone is going to get mad no matter where you put that one.

But should the American flag be higher than the others?

Well, it depends. If you take the International flag out of the mix, then sure. If you want. You can fly the other flags lower, or at the same height as the stars and stripes.

But if you are flying another Nations flag, you MUST fly it at the same height as the US flag. It cannot be flown lower than the US flag. It also cannot be flown higher. We're talking exactly the same height or you will get a million complaints from the concerned citizens of your community.

You see, no Nations flag can be flown higher than another Nations flag.

There is an exception to this. The Medal podium at the Olympics. When one country wins a gold, their flag is flown higher than the others during the medal ceremony, and their national anthem is played.

But that's it. At all other times, all Countries flags must be flown at the same height.

Now, here is something super important. What happens when you half staff the American flag?

Well, no flag can fly higher than the US flag**. So you half staff them all.

BUT WAIT. What about the foreign flag?

We do not have the authority to half staff that one. So you can either call the embassy for that country and ask permission to half staff their flag, or you can just take their flag down for the duration.

Most people just take it down.

Phew. See? complicated. I bet you're glad you asked.

**ok, this one has an exception, too. On UN soil, all of the Nations flags are flown at the same height as each other. And the UN flag flies above them all. But that's only ok because they are the UN, and they get to do whatever they want.



I am dedicating this post to my husband, Kurt (he is super patriotic)(and he's in the Navy)(and it's his birthday). I muff you dude!



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The most-used phrase of my work day

"The American flag is always to the extreme Left of the Audience."

There. Now you know.

YOU'RE WELCOME.



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Party in the USA!

Sweet! My boss just called in sick. Which is sad, of course. But it means I get to crank up the music and dance around the office in my bare feet! Yes!

I just told Annie (my sister in law) about my plan over Gchat, and she was all "No way! I'm listening to pandora in my bare feet too!" Basically, that's how all the cool people spend their work days.

Here, I'll take a picture. It'll be just like you're here, dancing with me.


I used the ten second delay on my camera. But I think my flash is making me look washed out.

....you wish you had my moves.

........and my awesome hairstyle.




--UPDATED LATER--

I took a few more pictures.

How can you not dance to Michael Jackson? Not gonna lie though. This is the only move I know from that dance. So I just do it over and over again.




You should see my Fancy Shuffle. It will change your life.



Then things got a little crazy...

I think I threw my hip out with this last move. But it was worth it.




--UPDATED EVEN LATER--


I just took this picture of Annie, at her work! I used a webcam. She works in an Assisted Living Center in Utah. And they have really good taste in music.


I guess the Stanky Legg song was a hit.



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My busy day

Guess who had a job interview today!

Oh, me!

The National flag Foundation needs an Office Manager. Fast. So they are letting me work every day until we leave for Christmas. They started me today. And they may or may not hire me on after I get back. I'm hoping they will, of course- we could definitely use an income. But even if they don't, I will get paid for this next week! How exciting.

BUT. I didn't post at all yesterday. I can't even remember the last time that happened. So I'll try and do better, but I can't make any promises since this week was supposed to be my Christmas Craft/ Gift Crunch Time. And instead I will be working full time.

HOWEVER. I have some really big/awesome stuff planned for this weekend. Stuff you aren't going to want to miss. So check back Friday to see what I am planning for Life in the Pitts.



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I used to work for Die Cuts

On our first day of church here in our new Branch, Amber (She's a Third Year Wife) handed out chocolate popcorn to the Gospel Doctrine class (she's the teacher). It was amazing. I can't rave about it enough. Sometimes I even dream about it. Turns out she makes it, and sells it every week at the Strip District.

The Strip District is a place where every Saturday morning you can go and buy stuff. Think a weekly outdoor craft fair, only cooler. But there's produce stands too. I guess it's pretty much an outdoor market. I've never been, but I looked it up online and I can't wait to go! (And now that I have my GPS, I CAN go!) Basically, I think Annie would love it. Some of The Wives share a booth, and sell the things they make.

I am not very crafty. YET. But I have the potential! And by that I don't mean I have some innate craftiness waiting to get out. I just have an extremely large amount of craft supplies. I used to work for DCWV, in Provo. It's a scrapbooking company, and the letters stand for Die Cuts With a View. They also own Pressed Petals. When I worked in the warehouse and shipping department, they collected all the damaged stuff. Perfectly good paper packs, etc, with slightly torn labels and things like that. We rounded all the broken stuff up, and put it all in large boxes. Then they sold those boxes to the employees for like $10 each. I bought 6 or 7. Each one had over $300 worth of stuff in there! So yeah- I have about $2,000 worth of scrapbooking stuff, just chillen in my corner.

Kurt is studying at home tonight. After a few hours of trying to be quiet, I got bored and went shopping. As I wandered through TJ Max, I noticed some cute shoe boxes all decorated. And some recipe boxes. As I was checking this stuff out, I thought, "I could do this."

So that's my plan. I bought some Modge Podge and brushes, and some little cardboard boxes at Michaels. I'm gonna start experimenting tomorrow. And who knows? If I'm good at it, maybe I'll see if I can sell some down at the Strip District.

Oh! I just heard a loud groan of frustration from the other room. Kurt is studying like crazy for his Histology test. I saw an energy drink in the fridge, which mean he's pretty serious about this. And pretty exhausted. Poor guy studied until 12:30 last night, and then got up at 4am. He's been going all day. At least this test is tomorrow, so there is an end in sight. AND he did GREAT on his Micro Bio test today! I'm pretty proud.



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