You have a weird Kidney. But wow, your Pancreas is beautiful!

Remember that creepy kidney? The one is my abdomen? It's fully functional! And not in my pelvis!

I never thought it was, but in an effort to reassure me, the renal ultrasound technician started telling me about all the weird kidneys she has seen over the years.

And a lot of them are in people's pelvises.

I feel like things would get a little cramped down there...

Also? She said this:

"You have a weird Kidney. But wow, your Pancreas is beautiful!"

I wasn't sure how to feel. Flattered? Worried? Both?

I took it as a compliment.

Now, I just need to find some pancreas-flattering clothes. Because if you've got it, flaunt it. Right?





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A Creepy Kidney

The ultrasound technician looked confused, and then surprised.

"That can't be right..."

But after a few minutes of looking, she turned to me and said;

"I can't find your kidney."


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Wait, back up. Why was I getting an ultrasound? Am I pregnant? Who starts a story this way??

I guess I'll go back to when it all began.

My mom was 16 when she had one of her ovaries removed. She had really bad cysts, and the doctors decided to operate.

It was ok, though. She managed to have 5 kids, with her single remaining ovary.

But cysts? They run in my family.

As long as the pain goes away in a day or two, my doctor told me not to worry about them.

But when the pain had dragged on for 4 days, I started to get nervous.

Hence, the ultrasound technician.


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"Good news! Your ovaries look normal. No abnormally large cysts or anything."

I smiled in relief. Surgery is something I'd love to avoid.

"Now I'm going to check out a few other things."

She checked out my left side, and then moved to my right. There she stopped. After a few minutes, she started to seem worried.

"That can't be right..."

Great. Just what everyone wants to hear when someone is looking at their insides.

"...I can't find your right kidney."

I swallowed hard. "Um, maybe it moved?"

"I'll check in a few other places.

5 minutes later, she found it.

"It's in your abdomen! See? Here is your heart valve. And right below it is your kidney."

I looked at the screen, and saw nothing but lumpy static.

"Here, let's look at the left side. That kidney is around back, where it's supposed to be. And your right one...here...it's supposed to be tucked below your liver. But it's not. It's in front, kind of twisted into a funny position."

I just...I had no idea what to say.

"I have no idea if it's functional. But really, you only need one to live. And you've never had any problems before?"

I shook my head.

"Good. Well, we'll refer you to a kidney specialist. It might be fully functional. Who knows? Anyway, that's it. I'll let you get dressed."

I was beyond weirded out. But also kind of excited.

See? Proof that I'm special.

It's good to know, that's for sure. A sharp pain in my abdomen- I would never think "Oh hey, maybe it's my kidney." I'd probably just grab a laxative, and then die.

Also, if one of my enemies tries to stab me in the kidney, they will miss by a good foot and a half.

Built in stabbing-protection.

Tell me I'm not the only one with a weird body?



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Eh? Speak up, sonny!

Bad news guys.

I woke up on Monday, and couldn't hear a thing out of my right ear. There was no pain, and there was no blood. There just also wasn't any sound.

So I did what any self respecting 20-something would do.

I asked facebook.

(turns out, it is weird)
And then I googled it.

And then I ran to the store, and picked up some wax-dissolving ear drops.

I wasn't really worried.

But it's been 2 days now, and I still can't hear out of that ear.

So I'm doing the responsible thing...

...and asking you.

(My next step? Twitter. Of course.)

I could go to the doctor, but in my experience, they usually say super frustrating things like "oh, you can't breath because your throat is swollen closed? Gargle salt. And then pay me $80."

And so I'm asking you. Have you ever gone deaf before? And do you have any ideas on how to get my hearing back?

Or should I just brush up on my ASL skills?

PS. For those of you trying not to dry heave, I swear I clean my ears regularly.

-No really, I do!

.



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I'm kind of mad. At myself. And that doctor.

Remember that time when Kurt ordered me to go see a doctor? Well, I just spent ALL DAY trying to make an appointment.

I hate my insurance.

Eventually it was all worked out, and my new doctor emailed me my new patient forms, so I can get started on them ahead of time. Sweet.

Except, I can't remember the dates of my last visits to the doctor.

So I called the BYU Health Center, and had them fax me my medical history.

26 pages later...

So here's the thing. A year ago, I had a pretty traumatic event that I'm not going to go into right now (but probably will one day), and I wrote up the sequence of events in the middle of the night by flashlight so that the next day I'd be able to explain it all to the doctor without forgetting anything.

It was on a piece of torn paper. Which I shoved in my pocket the next day heading out the door.

And the handwriting? Even worse than usual.

The next afternoon I was telling my doctor about my scary experience, and he asked if he could make a copy of that paper, so he could reference it later. I said sure.

A few weeks later all the tests were back and I was healthy and I went on with my life.

So why am I bringing this up now?

HE ENTERED THE PAPER INTO MY MEDICAL RECORDS. That torn, crumpled piece of paper that I wrote on by flashlight? Where I hysterically explained some really creepy things that my body was doing, but that later turned out to be not a big deal? I have a copy of it in my hands right now.

And so does my new doctor.

And my health insurance people.

And that nice lady who faxed the records to me. She's probably reading it as we speak- it's better than a novel.

What the heck, doctor? If I had known that this was going to be passed around like a dirty magazine, I would have at least typed it up. And maybe not dropped it in that puddle.

So, I'm thinking that the moral of this story is get a copy of your medical records. You might find something interesting.

Also? If you are going to use Tampons, do not use Tampax Pearl. Trust me on this one.

(I'm thinking Snopes got this one wrong, because it happened to me, too.)

.



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This sounds like Women's work to me. Where the heck is my wife?

Remember last week when this happened?

Well, when I told Kurt about it, he was all "I'm commanding you to go to the doctor."

(No really, he said "command")

We never went to the doctor when I was growing up. We didn't have health insurance, and so I learned to just tough it out (we were pretty lucky, and never had any serious health problems).

So now that I'm older and have (crappy) health insurance, I still have a hard time taking advantage of it.

Plus, what the heck, Kurt? Command??

"Um, no. You don't get to order me around."

"Whatever, Helena. You ordered me to go to the doctor last month."

"That's different, Kurt. I'm the wife."

"What?? I cook and clean and do the laundry. I'm the wife."

....Well. Round One goes to the man in the apron.

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I'm linking this to the Glass Half Full party, over at Priester's Peace. Because even though going to the doctor is scary, coming home to the smell of your wife's cooking makes it all worth it. Especially when her name is Kurt.

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