I Could Have Died. Or Worse- Someone Could Have Seen Me!

Here is one of this week's prompts, from Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop:

"Forget Thanksgiving, write about that time you fell down."

I'm on it.

A little while ago, I decided to wear heels to work (I wanted to impress all of the ladies in the lunch room with my sexy strut).

This was a few weeks after my leg collapsed for no reason. But I was feeling pretty confident, since I hadn't experienced any reoccurring paralysis.

Also, I was wearing a new shirt.

I owned that office.

At the end of the day, I stood up and stretched. Time to go home. I gathered together my belongings (which always end up strewn across my desk, no matter how hard I try to contain them), and headed out the door.

I thought about taking the elevator, but decided against it. Why not use the stairs? I could get in my exercise for the day, and practice my seductive walk. BONUS.

....It was a bad choice.

I took one dainty little step, and my leg collapsed.

I rolled down an entire flight of linoleum stairs.

I could have died.

Or worse- Someone could have seen me!

My body came to rest against the dirty stairwell wall. I lay there for a second, wondering how the hell I had survived.

Then gingerly, I sat up and began to assess the damage. Nothing hurt very much, and there were no open wounds. I hadn't hit my head, and nothing seemed broken.

...Except my pride.

My new shirt was dirty, and sticking slightly to the gray patch of who-knows-what that was smeared along the wall.

Perfect. Just perfect.

I stared at my foot for a second, waiting for an explanation.

It wasn't asleep. There was no numbness, and that pins and needles feeling was jarringly absent.

Shaken, I stood up, and looked around. The downside to not having an audience is that no one is there to pick you up.

After a minute, I braced myself, and put my foot on the ground.

...Nothing.

I added more weight, daring it to collapse. But it felt just as strong as ever.

Of course it was.

Sighing, I began to gather the contents of my purse.

I haven't worn heels since.

--------

I would like to thank The Empress, for introducing me to Mama Kat. Without her, this story would never have been told.

(at least, not today)

.



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Shhh! He's coming!

Hey guys, I'm writing you from my iGoogle page, on the blogger widget. And this is why:

He is driving me crazy.

TWO DAYS IN A ROW.

Ugh.

I hate it when work gets in the way of my blogging schedule.

.



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This is all Kurt's fault. Possibly.

BREAKING NEWS: My work computer is broken. There was a massive blackout/power surge yesterday, and my computer is fried. If you 'like' the Life in the Pitts facebook page, then you already know all about this.

(yes, that was a shameless plug for the facebook page. And I'm not even embarrassed about it)

Today I was checking out the questions over at Thursday Thunks (from my boss's computer), and I saw this one:

"When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?"

If by mailed it you mean faxed it, the answer is yesterday.

Since my computer is out of commission, I spent all day drawing stick figures by hand, and faxing them to Annie's office. Turns out she wasn't there. I hope she doesn't get in trouble, because these are obviously not work-related.

(Cover letters are important)

 

Chantel is my sister. And it's usually her fault.

Kurt would do anything to get me to clean.

Annie just posted pictures from the Strawberry Days Rodeo on Facebook. You guys, that's my favorite rodeo. It's like she's taunting me.

I could barely read my handwriting on the last two. And so I re-did them using the most childish font I could find.

The moral of this story:

I have terrible handwriting.

Also, you probably shouldn't trust me with your fax number.

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Oh heck yes, I got the job! .....and then gave away the ending of my story in this title. crap.

On Friday there was an official-looking envelope on my desk. It made my nervous. But when I finally worked up the courage to open it, I found out that I had been hired on at my job! Like, for real.

Remember back in december, when I unexpectedly got this job? They didn't really hire me. They said it was a trial basis, and they would let me know if they still liked me in 6 months.

I guess they like me.

Which is good, because I am probably the least-motivated job hunter in existence. I couldn't even get Michaels to hire me, and I live across the street.

And yet, I have a lifestyle involving craft supplies and Netflix rentals that I am just not willing to give up.

......it's times like these that make me grateful for my pole dancing class. I will always have that to fall back on.



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The Flag Girl

Remember that time when I told you all about my job? And how I unexpectedly became the voice of flag authority?

This past week was pretty busy in the office. People were calling non-stop with questions about how to properly retire a flag (you burn it), how to get their neighbors arrested for disobeying the flag code (seriously people?), and with questions about the history of this holiday.

Mostly, they were curious about why the flag is only flown at half staff until noon on Memorial Day.

So in honor of the holiday, I thought I'd take a break from all the barbecuing, come in from the sunshine, and tell you about that last question.

(Who am I kidding? You all know I wrote this days ago)

The flag is flown at half staff during the morning of Memorial Day, in honor of all the people who gave their lives fighting for our freedom.

Then at noon it is raised back to full staff to symbolize how we, as Americans, look towards the future with pride and hope.

So get back out there, and enjoy that sunshine. Eat a hot dog. And keep in mind the heroes who made it all possible.

Happy Memorial day.

.



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This post is funny, because I'm actually in another country right now.

I know a LOT about Flag Etiquette. It's kind of my job. And by kind of, I mean it actually is my job. I'm not sure why I said it like that.

I get calls all day every day with people asking me things like "Which side of the stage does the flag go on" and "can I leave my flag out all night" and "I think anybody who steals my flag from my front yard and burns it should be shot and YOU SHOULD PUT THAT IN YOUR PAMPHLET."

I love my job.

A few months ago, I had no idea how to properly retire a flag. Heck, I didn't even know private citizens can half staff their flags whenever they want to!

I know.

But don't worry, I am now the voice of Flag Authority. Ask me a question. I DARE YOU.

(and if I don't know the answer, I can always ask my boss.)

And since you are wondering, I will tell you one of the most frequently asked questions. Heck, I'll even throw in the official answer. YOU'RE WELCOME.



"I have an American flag, and a State flag, and another country's flag, and a company flag. Which order do I hang them in?"

Where do I even begin?

First, determine your audience. Which direction will most people be looking at the flags from? Is it in a room with a bunch of chairs facing a stage? Or is it outside, in between a building and a freeway? Once you figure out your audience, we can move on to The Phrase I Repeat 50 Million Times Per Day.

"The American flag is ALWAYS to the extreme Left of the audience."

So on that stage? It goes to the speaker's right. Because that is the audiences left.

In between the building and a busy Freeway? The Freeway is your audience, because more people will be looking from that direction.

Now for order. As you know, the American flag goes on the audience's left. Next, you can put either the State flag, or the International flag. That's up to you. And then your company flag goes to the extreme right.

Adding a POW flag to the mix? Stick that next to the American flag. Unless you don't want to. Really, that is up to you, and someone is going to get mad no matter where you put that one.

But should the American flag be higher than the others?

Well, it depends. If you take the International flag out of the mix, then sure. If you want. You can fly the other flags lower, or at the same height as the stars and stripes.

But if you are flying another Nations flag, you MUST fly it at the same height as the US flag. It cannot be flown lower than the US flag. It also cannot be flown higher. We're talking exactly the same height or you will get a million complaints from the concerned citizens of your community.

You see, no Nations flag can be flown higher than another Nations flag.

There is an exception to this. The Medal podium at the Olympics. When one country wins a gold, their flag is flown higher than the others during the medal ceremony, and their national anthem is played.

But that's it. At all other times, all Countries flags must be flown at the same height.

Now, here is something super important. What happens when you half staff the American flag?

Well, no flag can fly higher than the US flag**. So you half staff them all.

BUT WAIT. What about the foreign flag?

We do not have the authority to half staff that one. So you can either call the embassy for that country and ask permission to half staff their flag, or you can just take their flag down for the duration.

Most people just take it down.

Phew. See? complicated. I bet you're glad you asked.

**ok, this one has an exception, too. On UN soil, all of the Nations flags are flown at the same height as each other. And the UN flag flies above them all. But that's only ok because they are the UN, and they get to do whatever they want.



I am dedicating this post to my husband, Kurt (he is super patriotic)(and he's in the Navy)(and it's his birthday). I muff you dude!



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Eavesdropping, cussing, and threading my eyebrows.

Blogger Chix Designs hosts a party each week, called Talk About It Tuesday. It's an excuse to talk about anything you want.

Not that you need an excuse, of course.

But still, it's nice to have someone to blame, in case you get in trouble.



Today, I'm talking about my eyebrows.

My office is right next to the lunchroom. Since my desk isn't visible from the hall, I think people forget that I'm here. Which is awesome, because when they stand out in the hall and gossip, I can hear every word.

My favorite line so far?

"Yeah, this hot Asian surfer chick. And she totally wants me. I can tell, man."

.....sure she does, buddy.

I usually spend my lunch hour at my desk. Because I'm cool like that.

Also because there is a tv in the lunchroom, and every time I wander in there, a group of 50-something women and men are watching a soap opera. And if you make any noise, you get death glares.

Which is probably why so many people stand in the hallway to gossip.

Today I spiced up my lunch routine a little bit. By threading.

Yup, that's right, threading.

Who knew you could do it yourself?

I know some of you are scratching your head, wondering what the heck threading is. That was me, a week or so ago. I'd never heard of it.

Turns out, it's an ancient Middle-Eastern hair removal technique, which has recently become popular in America.

All you need is a spool of thread.

(This isn't actually my thread. Mine was much less shiny. I found this picture here.)

So today I sat at my desk, hunched over, with my compact mirror balanced against my monitor.

That's a pretty good example of what not to do.

But I kind of got the hang of it after a while. And I felt very sophisticated and cultured.

Except for, you know, that hunching thing.

(I found this picture on Google Images. But we can pretend my eyebrows look that pretty.)

I didn't mind doing my eyebrows. It was much less painful than plucking, which is my usual grooming technique.

I don't really recommend doing the upper-lip, though. That hurts like heck. And by heck, I mean,

"holy mother f*#$%!&*$@#*!!!"

Abrupt silence from the hall. I bet those guys weren't expecting that reaction to their Hot-Asian-Chick conversation.

Here is a how-to video I found on YouTube, in case you are thinking of trying it yourself.

There was no embed code, so you'll have to click here



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The most-used phrase of my work day

"The American flag is always to the extreme Left of the Audience."

There. Now you know.

YOU'RE WELCOME.



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Party in the USA!

Sweet! My boss just called in sick. Which is sad, of course. But it means I get to crank up the music and dance around the office in my bare feet! Yes!

I just told Annie (my sister in law) about my plan over Gchat, and she was all "No way! I'm listening to pandora in my bare feet too!" Basically, that's how all the cool people spend their work days.

Here, I'll take a picture. It'll be just like you're here, dancing with me.


I used the ten second delay on my camera. But I think my flash is making me look washed out.

....you wish you had my moves.

........and my awesome hairstyle.




--UPDATED LATER--

I took a few more pictures.

How can you not dance to Michael Jackson? Not gonna lie though. This is the only move I know from that dance. So I just do it over and over again.




You should see my Fancy Shuffle. It will change your life.



Then things got a little crazy...

I think I threw my hip out with this last move. But it was worth it.




--UPDATED EVEN LATER--


I just took this picture of Annie, at her work! I used a webcam. She works in an Assisted Living Center in Utah. And they have really good taste in music.


I guess the Stanky Legg song was a hit.



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Trapped in an office all day...

When the sun is shining outside.

It's like prison.

Only voluntary.

...and I'm not sure it's worth it.



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When your Boss is also your Bishop,

You just have to get used to the constant scripture-reading at work.

Not bad. Just weird.



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Sometimes my boss forgets to put his teeth in.

And I have no idea what to say when this happens.



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A Grandma with a Facebook Account

Did I mention that my boss is in his late 70's? He's pretty technically savvy for an old guy. He emails, and reads the news online, and heck he can work a computer. Do you know many almost-80-yr-olds who can do that?

One time my Dad was on the phone with my Grandpa (who was around 70), talking him through setting up his VCR.

After a few frustrating minutes, my Dad said; "Ok, just cut the power."

From the other end he heard; "Bea, hand me the scissors, will you?"

"No! Dad, wait!"...but it was too late.

True story.

So even though I have to talk very loudly, and some stuff requires a lot of explanation, I am very impressed with how comfortably my new boss handles new-fangled things. When I'm old, I want to be able to adapt like that. I'll be the 2060 version of a Grandma with a Facebook account.



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My busy day

Guess who had a job interview today!

Oh, me!

The National flag Foundation needs an Office Manager. Fast. So they are letting me work every day until we leave for Christmas. They started me today. And they may or may not hire me on after I get back. I'm hoping they will, of course- we could definitely use an income. But even if they don't, I will get paid for this next week! How exciting.

BUT. I didn't post at all yesterday. I can't even remember the last time that happened. So I'll try and do better, but I can't make any promises since this week was supposed to be my Christmas Craft/ Gift Crunch Time. And instead I will be working full time.

HOWEVER. I have some really big/awesome stuff planned for this weekend. Stuff you aren't going to want to miss. So check back Friday to see what I am planning for Life in the Pitts.



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