Friday, April 3, 2015

I turned 30

I was born in 1985. I always liked that, it made calculating my age seem way easier, since I can just count by 5's.

And last month? I turned six 5's old.

I think the hardest part about turning 30 is reconciling where my life is with where I imagined it would be. Expectations are such a crapshoot for me.

(I actually don't understand that saying at all, but crapshoot sounds like shit hitting the fan, so I'm using it literally here.)

I thought I'd have a couple more kids by now.

I thought I'd be about 30lbs lighter.

I thought I'd be more confident. More sure of myself.

I thought I'd have travelled more.

I thought I'd be stronger spiritually.

I thought I'd be more accomplished In my writing, or my dancing, or my.....anything.

I thought I would have lived more. Had more adventures. Appreciated the small moments.

And I fell short, on all of it.

I'm not saying that my life isn't in a good place, and I wouldn't change a single thing that would lead to not having either of these two wonderful babies.

But not meeting those expectations? That was hard.

Kurt asked me if I wanted to celebrate the last few hours of my 20s with a cool countdown.

"No. This is a time for mourning."

He accused me of dramatics, and I reminded him of his week long battle with sorrow at the death of his youth 3 years ago.

Turning 30 is no joke.

The next day was a party. And I'm good now. Once I was done mourning my youth, I jumped right into enjoying my middle age.

30 has been pretty great so far. I have a few more gray hairs and wrinkles than I did two days ago, but that is respectable in a lady my age.

When you turned 30, how did you handle it?

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

I find her sense of style intimidating

Taking her babies for a walk

Right before this, she was wearing pants and had bare feet. I ran over to wrestle some shoes away from Leo's mouth, and not even two minutes later she walked by like this.

I find her sense of style intimidating. #dontjudgemebymyyogapants

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Book worming it

Syndil slept in a little, and then when she woke up she quietly got a book, and took it to bed to read.

Then she went and got another one, and another one.

She read in bed for an hour and a half before deciding she was ready to come downstairs and see us.

It was wonderful.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

I turned around, and she was gone.

Syndil did great at Target. We talked about how she didn't have to go in the cart, so long as she listened and stayed close. And she did. She did great.

When we were finished, we ate some lunch in the little food court. Basically just Starbucks. She wanted chocolate milk.

Leo had been riding in the front of the cart, and I had his carseat stashed in the back. After nursing him, I put his carseat on the table, and strapped him in.

"Ok Syndil, stand right here and touch this chair. I'm putting Leo's carseat in the back of the cart."

"Ok mama!"

I plopped him in, turned around, and she was gone.

I ran around the cart, looked under the table. She was gone. Gone. In 3 seconds. I yelled "Watch him!" to the barista, and took off.

She wasn't by the cash register. She wasn't in the dollar section. I spun around desperately, and caught the flash of a little silver skirt running towards the parking lot.

I caught her. She was giggling. I was shaking with fury. I carried her inside like a sack of potatoes, not gently. We grabbed Leo, and left. I was planning the spanking of a lifetime.

I snapped Leo's carseat in the car, and then walked to the trunk where I had perched her, "Don't fall," before stomping over to put the groceries in the passenger seat.

"Let's talk."

I explained that her running away made me scared. So scared. And she could have been hurt, or lost, and I couldn't find her. Then I started crying.

"Oh no, mama sad!!"

"Yes. I'm sad that you ran away. I'm sad and I'm scared."

"Is ok. Dada come, and pick you up, and kiss you. Ok?"

"How about you kiss me."

She hugged me hard.

"I sorry."

And we came home. And she is napping. And I just can't do this. This parenting thing? It is too much. The highs are too high, the lows are too low, and nothing is safe.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Another near miss.

Just got home from the ER.

I was carrying Leo down the stairs on my hip, and my foot just slipped out from under me. I hit hard, and he flew out of my hands, slammed face first into the wall around waist high on the landing, hit the ground, and then bounced down the bottom 4 stairs.

I can't even tell you, guys.

My hand wasn't working, but I managed to pick him up. He didn't black out, cried for maybe 2 minutes, and then was perfectly fine and wanted to crawl around.

I was on the phone with his pediatritian's office within a minute, asking what I should look for for a concussion, but they said that I had to take him to the ER. This little, you don't want to wait for symptoms of a concussion.

I explained that I am watching a friend's 2 year old while her newborn is at the ER right now with a fever, and I had Syndil, and not enough carseats. He said "Ma'am, I would never suggest this. And I don't want to scare you. But this one time, put one of the toddlers in the car in the adult seatbelt, and drive carefully. It is that serious."

So...I didn't do that. But it put it into perspective. A friend rushed over to watch the girls, and I took Leo to the ER.

Anyway, he is fine. But the image of him hitting the wall, falling, and bouncing down the stairs will not leave my head. The what-ifs are haunting me.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

my fingers are buried in a mountain of diappointing chocolate crumbs

I made 2 dozen cookies. But then I tried one, and they taste gross.

So I got my chocolate chips back. #noshame

Sunday, March 15, 2015

The poop whisperer

"Where is Dada go, Mama?"

"Dada? He went to work."

"Ohhh, Dada big poop."


"Yeah, Dada is poop on his office."

I sent a text about her theory.

"Yup, she called it."

She just knows, guys.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

My ever loving hat

Guys, what am I going to do when it is warm out, and I can't get away with just wearing this hat every single day?? #noshowernoproblem

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Sometimes I think Motherhood is nothing more than a million near misses.

She fell behind the ball pit at her gymnastics class, and her head got caught/wedged between it and the wall, while her body swung free. 

She was dangling by her head/neck for about 4 seconds. Maybe 6? Probably 4. 

Another mom got to her first, and was able to pick her up by her body and slide her free. 

She was screaming from the second she slipped, probably out of fear, and had sunk her teeth pretty badly into her lower lip. But after a few minutes of cuddling, was trying to convince me to let her go play more. 


This was insanely terrifying.

She is fine. She had x rays, and everything is ok. The whole way to the hospital I was thinking "internal decapitation" and "second injury paralysis" (my term for when a kid gets a neck injury at the park, but seems totally ok, but 10 minutes later falls off the swing, and is paralyzed). 

And the image of her body swinging by her neck WONT.GET.OUT.OF.MY.HEAD.

But, she is fine. Totally fine. Maybe some muscle trauma, but probably not much because her body weighs, like, nothing. 

They took the neck brace off after a few hours ("No like this scarf!"), after they checked and rechecked her scan, just to be sure. No damage. Except to my sanity.

But really, she is fine. She is ok. I have to keep saying it, you know? So I can start to believe it.....

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Dodging kisses

I stretched up to kiss Kurt's cheek, but he shied away nervously.

"I'm sorry" he responded to my questioning look. "I'm feeling protective about that side of my face."

Then he walked away.

Monday, March 2, 2015

Thanks, baby girl. You just saved your brother's life.

Sometimes hearing "No, Leo! No have it! That's mine!" gets old. I hear versions of this all day long.

But a few minutes ago, those words saved Leo's life.

Syndil ran over, and snatched her snack cup away from Leo's little fingers. I ran over too, and fished a rock-hard oatmeal square out of his mouth.

A few seconds later, and he would have been silently choking while I was scraping a plate not even 10 feet away.

I think I aged about 12 years in that one moment.

Sometimes I think Motherhood is nothing more than a million near misses.

Have you ever been there?

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Our afternoon at Trader Joe's

I go in with this vague idea of things I liked last time, and a firm idea of where the sample table is.

There are only 5 aisles, but I still only find half of what I'm looking for, and I spend the rest of the time wandering in a daze. 

"Chocolate dipped potato chips...Mochi...What is this yellow tube of cornmeal? Polenta? I'm buying it...." 

I get home with a bag full of things that I have to look up on the internet. And all of it is delicious.

What do you like to buy there? 

Thursday, January 15, 2015

A little rock

"Here mama, little rock!" I looked down at her excited face, and reached out my hand. She beamed up at me. "Mama, in pocket?"

A minute later, I crouched down to whisper in her ear. "Look, Syndil! A deer."

We watched the majestic doe as she wandered across our path, not even 15 feet away. Deer are common around here, but we have never been this close.

She stopped to consider us, then almost shrugged as she kept going.

After a few minutes, we continued our stroll. I noticed that this was a frequent deer hangout. There were quite a few patches of old deer pellets that we had to step over.

Then it hit me. "Oh, man..."

I reached in my pocket, and found Syndil's "rock."

The end.

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