It was a crazy moment. He wasn't shy at all.
"Well...that's a boy all right."
I walked Kurt back to his office, and the whole way we were both just in shock.
"We are going to love him...right?"
"Yeah. We will. Probably?"
First of all, we are super grateful for this little guy. And he looks healthy, which is such a blessing.
But, you know how some moms just "know" what they are having? That was me. On
a deep, instinctive, apparently non-existant level, I just "knew" we
were having a girl.
People are so excited for us. Especially for Kurt. But really? He wanted a girl, too. A few weeks before we found out that this baby even existed, he had made this offhand comment:
"Syndil is so great. Let's just try to have only girls."
And he meant it.
"Ok, deal. I'll provide one x chromosome, if you provide the other."
Then we shook hands. With spit.
I held up my end of the bargain.
Back when we found out that Syndil was a girl, Kurt was in shock for a few days.
"But... I don't know anything about little girls. I don't know how to be a dad to a little girl."
It didn't take her long to win him over.
So, we were in agreement. All girls, from now on. I was thinking somewhere from 3-5 of them. And he was open to that idea.
But now, those dreams have been scattered in the wind like tiny drops of boy-pee, shooting in every direction during a diaper change.
Not only will Syndil not have a sister close in age to her, but we are faced with the reality that she may never have a sister at all. It's possible, but not guaranteed. And that is a hard thing to think about.
Kurt and I are both sad. I know we will be happy once we get used to
thinking about him as, well, him. And after he is born we won't be able
to imagine our lives without him.
But for today? I miss the little girl I thought I was carrying.
Have you guys ever experienced gender disappointment?
If so, you might relate to this post about Gender Disappointment by The Badass Breastfeeder. I know I really did.