Wednesday, January 30, 2013

I pulled my pants down, and squatted in the passenger seat. LIKE A LADY.



I made a quick run up to Ohio today. It's an hour and a half drive, and I left at 6:30am, in hopes that Syndil would sleep. She did.

Life in the carseat is SO much better now that she is older. If you have a tiny newborn who hates her carseat, know that I've been there, and it's awful, but even though it seems like it lasts forever, it really doesn't. There is light at the end of that dark tunnel.

But, I digress.

Syndil did great, and on the way home, I had to pee. I would have just toughed it out, but Syndil also had to eat, and was making it known that she would not be waiting the extra half hour until we got home.

I pulled over after the turnpike, and cruised through a little town. I was looking for somewhere with a big enough parking lot for me to nurse her without an audience.

I don't mind nursing in public, even without a cover. To me, this is what boobs are for, and Victoria's Secret is more of a secondary benefit, if you know what I mean.

Still, with a child who gets distracted by the ceiling, it is better to have a little seclusion, since I can't always grab my nipple before it makes a sudden appearance.

(breast feeding is going much better, btw)

I pulled into a McDonalds parking lot, and thought through my options. I could get Syndil out, carry her inside, pee with her on my lap, juggle the whole toilet paper and flush aspects, and pray she doesn't touch anything. Then I could try to use my wrists to hold her up as I awkwardly open the stall with my knees, turn the water on with my elbow, and dispense the soap with my chin, all in an effort to keep from touching her until my hands are washed. Then I'll have to scrub down my knees, elbows, and chin, since who knows what flu-ridden person has sneezed (or worse!) all over the bathroom fixtures.

I'm not usually a paranoid person. But I've cleaned enough bathrooms in my on-campus college career to know that people are gross.

So, after thinking through those options, I made a choice. One that I stand by.

I grabbed my empty, very large coke cup (don't judge, I'd been driving since 6am), pulled my pants down, and squatted in the passenger seat. Like a lady.

My Go Girl would have been useful in this situation. Remind me to put that in the dashboard.

(Yes, Annie got it for my birthday a few years ago, and I really recommend it for times like this, especially when you don't have a large coke cup, and have to improvise with a water bottle. Have you ever tried to pee into one of those? Ladies, don't do it. Our equipment isn't easy to aim.)

Then I opened the door, and poured it into the bushes. If anyone was looking (which I'm pretty sure they weren't) they would think I was getting rid of some accidental diet coke. It looked about the same color.

I need to be better hydrated. My new goal: when I pee in a cup, it should look like Sprite, or possibly Mountain Dew. Diet Coke pee is a problem.

Then I nursed Syndil (it took about 30 minutes because, yup, that ceiling sure is interesting.), and headed home. In a monsoon.

It's 12:29pm. What have you done today?

Edit: Kurt read this, and somehow got the impression that I had spilled pee all over the car. I didn't. Not even one drop. 

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Anyone else have a child who seems determined to make you flash the world every time you nurse? Also, what's the weirdest place you've ever peed? 

And head on over to the facebook page for a lively discussion on what kind of soft drink your pee most resembles. "Lively" is a goal, guys. I'm going to need your help with that one.


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