Wednesday, January 30, 2013

I pulled my pants down, and squatted in the passenger seat. LIKE A LADY.

I made a quick run up to Ohio today. It's an hour and a half drive, and I left at 6:30am, in hopes that Syndil would sleep. She did.

Life in the carseat is SO much better now that she is older. If you have a tiny newborn who hates her carseat, know that I've been there, and it's awful, but even though it seems like it lasts forever, it really doesn't. There is light at the end of that dark tunnel.

But, I digress.

Syndil did great, and on the way home, I had to pee. I would have just toughed it out, but Syndil also had to eat, and was making it known that she would not be waiting the extra half hour until we got home.

I pulled over after the turnpike, and cruised through a little town. I was looking for somewhere with a big enough parking lot for me to nurse her without an audience.

I don't mind nursing in public, even without a cover. To me, this is what boobs are for, and Victoria's Secret is more of a secondary benefit, if you know what I mean.

Still, with a child who gets distracted by the ceiling, it is better to have a little seclusion, since I can't always grab my nipple before it makes a sudden appearance.

(breast feeding is going much better, btw)

I pulled into a McDonalds parking lot, and thought through my options. I could get Syndil out, carry her inside, pee with her on my lap, juggle the whole toilet paper and flush aspects, and pray she doesn't touch anything. Then I could try to use my wrists to hold her up as I awkwardly open the stall with my knees, turn the water on with my elbow, and dispense the soap with my chin, all in an effort to keep from touching her until my hands are washed. Then I'll have to scrub down my knees, elbows, and chin, since who knows what flu-ridden person has sneezed (or worse!) all over the bathroom fixtures.

I'm not usually a paranoid person. But I've cleaned enough bathrooms in my on-campus college career to know that people are gross.

So, after thinking through those options, I made a choice. One that I stand by.

I grabbed my empty, very large coke cup (don't judge, I'd been driving since 6am), pulled my pants down, and squatted in the passenger seat. Like a lady.

My Go Girl would have been useful in this situation. Remind me to put that in the dashboard.

(Yes, Annie got it for my birthday a few years ago, and I really recommend it for times like this, especially when you don't have a large coke cup, and have to improvise with a water bottle. Have you ever tried to pee into one of those? Ladies, don't do it. Our equipment isn't easy to aim.)

Then I opened the door, and poured it into the bushes. If anyone was looking (which I'm pretty sure they weren't) they would think I was getting rid of some accidental diet coke. It looked about the same color.

I need to be better hydrated. My new goal: when I pee in a cup, it should look like Sprite, or possibly Mountain Dew. Diet Coke pee is a problem.

Then I nursed Syndil (it took about 30 minutes because, yup, that ceiling sure is interesting.), and headed home. In a monsoon.

It's 12:29pm. What have you done today?

Edit: Kurt read this, and somehow got the impression that I had spilled pee all over the car. I didn't. Not even one drop. 


Anyone else have a child who seems determined to make you flash the world every time you nurse? Also, what's the weirdest place you've ever peed? 

And head on over to the facebook page for a lively discussion on what kind of soft drink your pee most resembles. "Lively" is a goal, guys. I'm going to need your help with that one.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Well, THAT was awkward. A link up.

We were outside the Dr's office. It's in a shady area. Not dangerous, but this is Pittsburgh. So my"shady" might be your "Too scary to walk alone in the daytime." It's all about perspective.

"What a cute little boy. How old is he?"

I looked over at the older lady asking me that question. She was in her 50's, and pushing a stroller. In the stroller was a cute little girl, maybe a few months older than Syndil.

I could have corrected her, but like I said yesterday, that gets really awkward. Since she was headed in the other direction, I just smiled, and said,

"6 months."

There. Noncommittal, gender-neutral answer.

"And your girl?"

"Oh, she's my granddaughter! She's 9 months."

I congratulated her, smiled, and started walking inside.

"Wait, I want to see him!"

Oh dear. I stopped, and, nervously reached down to tuck Syndil's blanket a little closer to her chin.The blanket may be gender neutral-ish, but her outfit was not.

"Oh! He is adorable! Look Kaneesha, he can be your boyfriend! You'll be the cutest couple! He is so handsome!"

Oh dear. Do I say something? I can't say something. I should have said something.

"What's his name?"

Now what do I do??

"Um, Ch-Charles?" I gulped out, a flash of pink catching my eye. Was the blanket creeping up over the edge?? I quickly tucked it back down, hiding the pink.

"Well, we'll call him Charlie, won't we? Hi Charlie! Come meet your your girlfriend Kaneesha! Oh, I just have to touch those cheeks!"

WHAT?? It's flu season! No way! I'm not going to let her... but yup, there she goes, touching "his" cheeks.

"Hi Charlie! You are one good lookin' boy! You's just the sweetest..."

She paused.

"Wait, why he wearing flowers on his shirt?"

OH NO. The blanket had slid down, revealing a very not-boyish outfit.

"Oh, uh..."

It was like watching a train wreck. I didn't know how to stop it.

She pulled the blanket down farther, and looked up confused.


 "...Well, uh, so... I'm late!"

I almost ran into the Dr's office. Where I died of mortification.

But the worst part? On the way out...

"Oh hey, Charlie's mom! Hey, why he wearing flowers? Why he wearing flowers?"

And I ran away.


Ok, your turn. Link up your most awkward post, past or present, into the linky down there.

And here is a button you can put in your post (if you want to), so other people can come and enjoy the awkward party.

Life in the Pitts

If the turnout to this party is good enough, we'll do it again- at least 4 times. Like I mentioned the other day, I have 4 EVEN MORE AWKWARD stories to share, but I don't want to do it alone. Ones more along the lines of this post I once wrote.

And if you do post, and you have a few minutes, please visit the person who posted before you. You'll probably want to, since who doesn't like an awkward story?

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Calm down. She would be a cute boy.

I usually stick a flower on Syndil's head. It's not so much that it looks cute (it does), but that it makes her look like a girl.


Definitely a girl.

But when I forget to put one on? She looks like a boy. I know, because people always come up and tell me how cute my little boy is (even if she's wearing pink). It's ok, I mean, she would be a cute boy. I really don't mind.

But they do.

"Oh my gosh! I am so sorry! Of course she's a girl- look at those eyelashes! And those lips! I've never seen a more girly girl! Hi little girl!!!!!" All with a frantic look in their eye.

Calm down, people. I'm not offended.

I even get it. See?

 (This picture is a couple months old, but I think it illustrates the point)

She would be a cute boy.

But, to avoid the awkwardness, I usually just go with it.

"Cute boy!"

"Oh thanks!"

And we all move on with our lives.



Have you ever made that mistake? And how do you feel about giant flowers on a baby's head?


Be sure to comeback tomorrow, for a really awkward story. And a linky full of other awkward stories. I hope. You've got one too, right?

Monday, January 21, 2013

Would you like to hear an awkward story?

Hey guys, I'm thinking about doing a linky party this Thursday. I have a VERY awkward story to share, and I was hoping you guys would have awkward stories for me to read, too. And we could all share in our embarrassment.

I would give you a badge. This one.

Life in the Pitts

And then you could put that somewhere on your post, so other people can find the awkward party. If you want to. You could also link up, and not use the badge. It's not going to be one of those hard-core full-of-rules parties (like this one I once did).

If you have read, well, any of my blog, then you know that awkward is not a new thing for me. But this takes it to a whole new level. And here's the thing- it's not even my most awkward moment. I have at least 4 more stories that are worse. So, if the party is a hit, we can do this at least 4 more times, and every one of my entries will get worse and worse...

So, what do you think? Do you want to read my story? Would you participate in the party?

You could link a new post (that awkward story you've been thinking about writing, but were a little nervous about), or link up to an old cringe-worthy post. One like this, or like this. Or, gosh, like this.

Please comment and tell me if you would participate. I usually don't mind playing to what feels like an empty house, but if I'm going to do this post justice, I need some encouragement. See, I would have to draw stick figures. And it's been about 2 years since I've done that. It's daunting.

What do you think?

Monday, January 14, 2013

My list of things I want to do before I die

Recently, someone asked me what's on my bucket list. I didn't know what to say.

I've thought about it before, but never for very long, because all I can think of is skydiving.... and I've already done that. But it just seems like such a bucket-listy thing to say.

So I shrug it off, and move on.

This time, though, was different. It stuck in my mind. And so here is a list of things I've come up with. It is in no way complete, but it is a start.

Helena's list of Things-I-Want-To-Do-Before-I-Die.

I want to travel travel travel! Italy, Egypt, Ireland, Greece, etc etc etc. I have a very long Pinterest board dedicated to beautiful places I want to visit. And not just for a single day. I want to go for a few months, and really immerse myself in the culture, and explore every relatively safe nook and cranny.

Be a famous writer. Maybe from my blog (I'd probably have to write a bit more regularly to see that happen) and maybe from a book. Probably both.

Have a large, beautiful house designed by me, cleaned by someone else. I'm thinking libraries, reading nooks, secret passages...

Adopt a child. At least one. I want a large, happy, loud, diverse family.

I want to get caught by the police, being naughty in the backseat of our car at a local makeout point. In my 70s.

I want to be invited to (and able to afford) a Ted Talks weekend.

I want to cook thanksgiving dinner in my large, designed-by-me kitchen, surrounded by my children and grandchildren. Laughter and teasing, baking cookies together.

I want to go to a BlogHer conference!!

I want to be a professional photographer. And I want to do at least one session/event for free each month for a family in need.

And...that's it. So far.

What are some things on your bucket list?

Friday, January 11, 2013

"Anything that smells better than my armpits."

We left the airport, and headed to my Dad's house. Exhausted.

"Bad news, we have to stop."

He looked over, irritated. "Can't it wait?"

"Well, probably. I mean, I haven't worn deoderant in 3 days, so what's a few more?"

Horrified, he crossed 3 lanes, and pulled over immediately, into the grocery store parking lot.

I elected to stay in the car with the sleeping baby (as her food source, I am the first line of defense against grumpiness).

"What kind should I get you?"

"Anything, really."

"But which one??"

"Anything that smells better than my armpits."

I'm pretty sure he puked a little in his mouth.

Ah, marriage. Where you tell the truth, and the other person can only run so far...

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

"Well, that's unfortunate. I didn't even feel it."

We were chilling on the floor together. Kurt was lying on his back, flying Syndil in the air above him. I was looking on fondly. Then I noticed something.

"Uh oh, looks like someone peed!"

I reached over and felt the dark spot on Syndil's pants.

"What? I did?!?"

Horrified, Kurt reached down to check.

I stared at him in silence for a moment.

".....No. Syndil peed through her diaper."

Relief washed over his face.

"Oh. Good. I thought you meant me. I was like "Well, that's unfortunate. I didn't even feel it.""

And he was serious.

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