Thursday, September 13, 2012

She is ok. And so am i.

Hi guys. Thank you for all of your kind thoughts and comments. Here is an update on how we are doing.

After Syndil stopped breathing and turned blue, we saw her pediatrician. He agreed with the ER doctors. Probably her reflux. Which confused me. How could heartburn kill a baby?

He explained that babies have a reflex, and when acid washes into their throats, their vocal cords slam shut. That way they don't aspirate acid into their lungs. Sometimes it subsides in time, and they start breathing again on their own. Sometimes you need to jiggle them a little, to get things started again. And sometimes they die.

So now we have her on Zantac. Its an antacid, so even though she spits up just as much (more than ever, really), it isn't acidic, so it shouldn't cause a "blue spell."

She has been fine ever since. Great, really. Happy and healthy and growing way too fast.

I, on the other have, have never had so much anxiety in my life. If your baby can stop breathing in your arms, when will she ever be safe?

For a while I could do nothing but stare at her. What if I put her down in her bouncer, and walked away for 5 minutes? When I came back, it could be 2 minutes too late.

I wasn't sleeping. Even with her Angelcare monitor.

I just couldn't trust her to keep breathing.

My good friend McCall came over to hold her for a few hours one day, just so I could sleep. It was the first time I had slept for more than a 20 minute stretch in a long time.

Slowly, after days and days, I started to relax. I got a cosleeper, so I could sleep with my hand on her chest. I started showering while she sat cooing in her bouncer or swing. Fastest showers of my life, and sometimes I didn't get all the shampoo washed off before I jumped out and ran to check. But still, progress.

And then I got a Snuza.

This little thing clips onto her diaper, and alarms if it doesn't feel movement for more than 20 seconds.

And I felt a million times better.

 (that orange thing on her chubby belly is the Snuza)

I still have anxiety attacks. There are nights when I can't put her down because I KNOW that she is going to die. I know that it is her last night with me, and she won't be here in the morning. And it hurts so bad, because I love her so much. I wake Kurt up with my sobbing, and he holds me while I explain that this is definitely my anxiety, but what if it isn't? And then I stare at her for hours, just praying that she will live.

This is happening less and less. And little by little I'm starting to trust her again.

I still can't leave her with her daddy for more than an hour before I start crying. I know they are having fun, and she is ok. I'm just not. Baby steps for momma.

This little girl will be wearing her Snuza for the rest is her life.

Or maybe just until her first birthday.

(But probably until she leaves for college.)

So that's it. I am ok. We are ok.

Most of the time.

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