Wednesday, February 29, 2012

I just peed my pants.

Hi guys. I just peed my pants. At work.

And the best part?

(I know, how could it get better than that??)

I didn't even feel it happen!

I've heard that this happens to women sometimes AFTER they give birth. Or maybe to a pregnant girl if she has a violent sneeze. But I'm only half way through! This is a bad, bad sign.

I had a doctors appointment right afterwards, and she assured me that it's normal. My baby is just really low, and chilling on my bladder. Little butthead.

You guys, I didn't even know I had to pee! Which kind of freaks me out. How can I stop something I don't know is coming?

Pregnancy is so sexy.

So if you have any hot leads on adult diaper coupons, I'm in the market...

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

My sister in law hates me. Probably.

This afternoon, I called my sister in law. And yelled "Asshole!" into her answering machine. Then I hung up.


And now? We are enemies. Probably. Here, let me know what you think:

I was coming back from my doctor's appointment a few hours ago (which was actually scheduled for yesterday. Awesome.), and I decided to call Annie.

She didn't answer, so I thought I'd leave a little "Hey! I miss you! Let's talk soon!" message.

BUT THEN, I got cut off. Cut.Off. And we're not talking a little he-pulled-out-and-didn't-speed-up-enough cutting off. Oh no, this van sped up, merged 2 feet in front of me, AND HIT HIS BREAKS. Then, after almost causing an effing 4 car pile up, this genius made me back up SO HE COULD PARALLEL PARK.

Since my horn doesn't work right now, I yelled "ASSHOLE!" At the top of my lungs.

...right into my sister in-laws answering machine.

I gasped, and hung up in horror.

Looking back, there are so many ways I could have handled this.

I could have followed with "...not you. The guy who just tried to kill me."

Or I could have stayed on the line, and deleted the message.

But nope. I hung up. Guaranteeing that she will hear it.

She will also hear my next message; an apology between bursts of hysterical laughter. But she will get the "asshole" message first, and if she stops there... this could get awkward. Especially at the baby shower.

What would you do if you checked your messages, and heard that from me?

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

This one time, I peed on a stick...

One night in October, I woke up from a dead sleep and thought, "Oh my gosh, what day is it??!" Heart pounding, I ran around opening boxes until I found my pregnancy tests.

I was in shock. 
But not too in shock to write on my hand and take pictures.

I might have cried.

He had no idea.

He slept right through the flash.

My new tattoo. (kidding)

This is how I told Kurt the next day. 
He came home, and our polar bear had a new baby.

I hid this card under the new baby bear

And a digital (read: expensive) pregnancy test under the momma bear

He was beyond surprised. 
But also happy :)

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

And then I stepped on the scale...

I gained like 1 lb on this trip! Sooo need to hit the gym!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Made of love and magic.

"Hey Kurt, I left you a muffin!"

"Wait, weren't there 9 of them this morning?"

"...I don't want to talk about it."

Happy Valentines Day everybody. Especially Kurt. I love you more than muffins.


Friday, February 10, 2012

You have a weird Kidney. But wow, your Pancreas is beautiful!

Remember that creepy kidney? The one is my abdomen? It's fully functional! And not in my pelvis!

I never thought it was, but in an effort to reassure me, the renal ultrasound technician started telling me about all the weird kidneys she has seen over the years.

And a lot of them are in people's pelvises.

I feel like things would get a little cramped down there...

Also? She said this:

"You have a weird Kidney. But wow, your Pancreas is beautiful!"

I wasn't sure how to feel. Flattered? Worried? Both?

I took it as a compliment.

Now, I just need to find some pancreas-flattering clothes. Because if you've got it, flaunt it. Right?

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

I'm cooking you a lobster in that shack right now.

That surprise cruise Kurt took me on? Was awesome.

We decided to just go to the beach in Cozumel. But we were intercepted by a very determined Mayan tour leader. "I am not Mexican. I am Mayan. So you can trust me."

(...apparently there are some political/social issues going on here that I wasn't aware of.)

He convinced us that snorkling would be a much better choice. And for half of the price that it was offered through the cruise ship. We tried to say no, but in the end, he was a very good salesman.

We also bought a tiny little mexican dress, in case we ever have a daughter :) Kurt was a hard sell on this one. "what if we only have boys, Helena? What then??"

"Then they will wear cute dresses. A little boy in a dress is better than no dress at all."

But when I talked them down from $12 to $10, even he had to agree that it was a good deal.

Plus I let him pick it out.

We never did make it to the beach.

In Grand Cayman, we booked a local tour to Stingray City.

Kurt was a little bit terrified "What about Steve Irwin??" but in the end they won him over.

They were so friendly and soft and we did not die.

Then we snorkeled

(even more beautiful than in Cozumel)

By the way, Grand Cayman? Was originally named Tortuga. Yeah, that Tortuga.  As in, Pirates of the Caribbean.

(I almost left Kurt for this sexy, smelly man)

And in Jamaica, I was determined to hit up a beach. Last time we were there, we docked in Ocho Rios, and there was a beach you could walk to from the pier.

But this time we stopped in Falmouth, and the nearest beach was 10 minutes, and $40 per person away.

"No way. I'm not spending that much to go to the beach."

"But we haven't gone to any beaches!"

"We almost did in Cozumel."

"ALMOST. But then you gave in to the Mayan sales guy."

"It was your idea! Anyway, I'm just not doing it."

"Fine, Kurt. Then what will we do all day? Sit on the ship?"

"Well, I like the ship."

"We are in Jamaica."

"You can go to the beach without me. I don't care."

And then I cried.

Kurt decided to go down to the promenade, and see if he could find anyone who had been here before.

I sat up in my room, plotting ways to change his mind.

"I'll stop spending half my paycheck at Panera for 1 month. No- 3 months. AND I'll do the dishes every day."

He walked down to the cafe, where he saw a young couple sitting. The guy was eating pizza. The girl was in tears.

"Hi. Um, have you guys been to the beach here?"

They looked at him in amazement.

"No, I wanted to. But he says it's too expensive."

NO WAY. They were in the exact same situation! Except they had ventured off the pier, and found a taxi willing to give them a better price, if they could find more people to go.

We walked off the pier, and into the city. Jamaica is a rough place. Lots of poverty, and they really depend on tourists.

Women kept coming up and touching my hair. "I braid for you. $3 a braid."

"No, we only have enough money for our taxi."

"I ride with you, and braid on the way. We figure it out there."

"Please stop touching me."

10 minutes later, we were on the most beautiful beach.

And the welcoming committee stopped by to say hi.

"You want aloe, mon? I have a nice one, you give the ladies a sexy backrub."

"It's alright, mon. You safe here. Have a joint. The real Bob Marley experience. Pass it around."

"I make this anklet that I already put on your foot. Now you pay me $5."

"I'm cooking you a lobster in that shack right now."

It was pretty fantastic.

The whole cruise was awesome. Especially the food. Which I ate way too much of.

And Kurt? Totally wins the surprise category. Thank goodness I'm so darn sexy. It kind of evens it all out.

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