Monday, October 31, 2011

A Creepy Kidney



The ultrasound technician looked confused, and then surprised.

"That can't be right..."

But after a few minutes of looking, she turned to me and said;

"I can't find your kidney."


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Wait, back up. Why was I getting an ultrasound? Am I pregnant? Who starts a story this way??

I guess I'll go back to when it all began.

My mom was 16 when she had one of her ovaries removed. She had really bad cysts, and the doctors decided to operate.

It was ok, though. She managed to have 5 kids, with her single remaining ovary.

But cysts? They run in my family.

As long as the pain goes away in a day or two, my doctor told me not to worry about them.

But when the pain had dragged on for 4 days, I started to get nervous.

Hence, the ultrasound technician.


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"Good news! Your ovaries look normal. No abnormally large cysts or anything."

I smiled in relief. Surgery is something I'd love to avoid.

"Now I'm going to check out a few other things."

She checked out my left side, and then moved to my right. There she stopped. After a few minutes, she started to seem worried.

"That can't be right..."

Great. Just what everyone wants to hear when someone is looking at their insides.

"...I can't find your right kidney."

I swallowed hard. "Um, maybe it moved?"

"I'll check in a few other places.

5 minutes later, she found it.

"It's in your abdomen! See? Here is your heart valve. And right below it is your kidney."

I looked at the screen, and saw nothing but lumpy static.

"Here, let's look at the left side. That kidney is around back, where it's supposed to be. And your right one...here...it's supposed to be tucked below your liver. But it's not. It's in front, kind of twisted into a funny position."

I just...I had no idea what to say.

"I have no idea if it's functional. But really, you only need one to live. And you've never had any problems before?"

I shook my head.

"Good. Well, we'll refer you to a kidney specialist. It might be fully functional. Who knows? Anyway, that's it. I'll let you get dressed."

I was beyond weirded out. But also kind of excited.

See? Proof that I'm special.

It's good to know, that's for sure. A sharp pain in my abdomen- I would never think "Oh hey, maybe it's my kidney." I'd probably just grab a laxative, and then die.

Also, if one of my enemies tries to stab me in the kidney, they will miss by a good foot and a half.

Built in stabbing-protection.

Tell me I'm not the only one with a weird body?


Thursday, October 20, 2011

That thin line between love and murder...



That judging kind of criticism- you know, the kind only a spouse can give? Makes me want to sit down and do absolutely nothing. For the rest of my life. Out of spite.


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