(For my international readers, a sex shop is a place where you buy lingerie/adult novelty items, not a place where you buy sex. Just thought I should clarify.)
I guess I come across as pretty unfazeable in real life. When someone opens a white elephant gift and finds sparkling cider, condoms, handcuffs, and a pregnancy test, I always get blamed.
(Ok, fine. It was me.)
But when it comes to the adult novelty items in the back of the store, I get all flustered and awkward. I can't stop blushing, and eye contact is out of the question.
Still, I was curious.
I told Kurt that I wanted to go to an adult store a while ago, and he was game. But every time we tried, I'd chicken out last minute. They all looked too sleazy and dirty.
...And most of the ones in Pennsylvania weren't really sex stores- they were adult book and movie stores, with creepy old men as their main clientele.
No thank you.
I decided to try the Blue Boutique.
The Blue Boutique is a shop in Salt Lake City. It's a well lit, classier option. I get their emails, and even though I've never been there, I knew it would be a better choice.
We planned it out, and picked the day. My Dad was taking us all to The Roof for dinner on Monday, which is right in the center of Salt Lake. Perfect.
We would drive separately, and make The Stop on our way home.
What could possibly go wrong?
The day wasn't going as smoothly as my dad had hoped. My little brother hadn't gotten the message, and was still sleeping ten minutes before we were supposed to leave. My dad was really frustrated, and stormed around the house.
He just wanted it to be special.
After some pretty stressful minutes, they all piled into the car and left. But then a few seconds later they peeled back into the driveway.
"Helena! Why aren't you guys driving with us??"
I looked up from my makeup in surprise.
"Well, we aren't ready yet. We will just follow you guys in a few minutes."
"No, just come with us now. I want this to be special."
I could tell he was really frustrated.
I thought fast. "We have a few stops to make. It's ok, dad, don't worry."
He was getting more and more agitated.
"Are you mad at me? What's going on?"
"No, we just want to drive by ourselves."
He paced into the other room, muttering to himself. Then he turned to Kurt and said, "You guys are going over to Amber and Dave's house afterward to play games. It doesn't make sense. You should just drive with us."
He marched back over and demanded "You guys need to just get in the car."
I was flustered. "Dad! We have errands to run!"
He was nearing the end of his rope. "Helena, I want this to be nice, and you're just making it harder than it has to be! I don't understand, just get in the car and we will drive together-"
"Dad! We are going to a sex shop! And I don't want you to come with us!"
The words just hung there, begging me to snatch them back.
We stared at each other, horrified. The silence grew more and more awkward, and finally he turned and walked out the door.
Mortified, I turned to Kurt, who was just standing there in shock. "I didn't know what to do!" I pleaded. "He wouldn't take no for an answer!"
Romy, the cleaning lady, was dying of laughter in the background.
She finally gasped out a full sentence. "I can't-gasp-believe-gasp-you said that to your father!"
She was doubled over with laughter.
Kurt started chuckling too.
"It just came out you guys!"
They were laughing too hard to respond.
...My poor Dad. He just can't seem to catch a break.
When we went over to Amber's house later that night, I shared that story with my sisters.
They were more horrified than amused, and Chantel piped up with a story of her own.
"For our one year anniversary, Michael and I decided to check out a sex store. We were in Saint George, and we looked in the phone book. There were a few phone numbers, but no addresses."
"Did you call?" we asked curiously.
"Yeah. The number belonged to a lady who sells sex toys out of the back of her car."
"We met her in a parking lot."
"No, she was really nice."
I just...I didn't know what to say to that.
So there you go. If you're in Salt Lake, check out the Blue Boutique. And if you're in Saint George, check out the shady people who sell sex toys out of the back of their cars.
Kurt's response when I told him this story: "And that, my friends, is how you catch Chlamydia."
Note from Chantel:
"It was a lady who does sex toy parties! Like Tupperware parties! It wasn't weird!"
Sure, Chantel. Sure.