Friday, January 7, 2011

Awkward? Oh no, we are WAY past awkward.



I wanted to go to a sex shop.

(For my international readers, a sex shop is a place where you buy lingerie/adult novelty items, not a place where you buy sex. Just thought I should clarify.)

I guess I come across as pretty unfazeable in real life. When someone opens a white elephant gift and finds sparkling cider, condoms, handcuffs, and a pregnancy test, I always get blamed.


(Ok, fine. It was me.)

But when it comes to the adult novelty items in the back of the store, I get all flustered and awkward. I can't stop blushing, and eye contact is out of the question.

Still, I was curious.

I told Kurt that I wanted to go to an adult store a while ago, and he was game. But every time we tried, I'd chicken out last minute. They all looked too sleazy and dirty.

...And most of the ones in Pennsylvania weren't really sex stores- they were adult book and movie stores, with creepy old men as their main clientele.

No thank you.

I decided to try the Blue Boutique.

The Blue Boutique is a shop in Salt Lake City. It's a well lit, classier option. I get their emails, and even though I've never been there, I knew it would be a better choice.

We planned it out, and picked the day. My Dad was taking us all to The Roof for dinner on Monday, which is right in the center of Salt Lake. Perfect.

We would drive separately, and make The Stop on our way home.

What could possibly go wrong?


********

The day wasn't going as smoothly as my dad had hoped. My little brother hadn't gotten the message, and was still sleeping ten minutes before we were supposed to leave. My dad was really frustrated, and stormed around the house.

He just wanted it to be special.

After some pretty stressful minutes, they all piled into the car and left. But then a few seconds later they peeled back into the driveway.

"Helena! Why aren't you guys driving with us??"

I looked up from my makeup in surprise.

"Well, we aren't ready yet. We will just follow you guys in a few minutes."

"No, just come with us now. I want this to be special."

I could tell he was really frustrated.

I thought fast. "We have a few stops to make. It's ok, dad, don't worry."

He was getting more and more agitated.

"Are you mad at me? What's going on?"

"No, we just want to drive by ourselves."

He paced into the other room, muttering to himself. Then he turned to Kurt and said, "You guys are going over to Amber and Dave's house afterward to play games. It doesn't make sense. You should just drive with us."

He marched back over and demanded "You guys need to just get in the car."

I was flustered. "Dad! We have errands to run!"

He was nearing the end of his rope. "Helena, I want this to be nice, and you're just making it harder than it has to be! I don't understand, just get in the car and we will drive together-"

"Dad! We are going to a sex shop! And I don't want you to come with us!"

The words just hung there, begging me to snatch them back.

We stared at each other, horrified. The silence grew more and more awkward, and finally he turned and walked out the door.


Mortified, I turned to Kurt, who was just standing there in shock. "I didn't know what to do!" I pleaded. "He wouldn't take no for an answer!"

Romy, the cleaning lady, was dying of laughter in the background.

She finally gasped out a full sentence. "I can't-gasp-believe-gasp-you said that to your father!"

She was doubled over with laughter.

Kurt started chuckling too.

"It just came out you guys!"


They were laughing too hard to respond.

...My poor Dad. He just can't seem to catch a break.


********


When we went over to Amber's house later that night, I shared that story with my sisters.

They were more horrified than amused, and Chantel piped up with a story of her own.

"For our one year anniversary, Michael and I decided to check out a sex store. We were in Saint George, and we looked in the phone book. There were a few phone numbers, but no addresses."

"Did you call?" we asked curiously.

"Yeah. The number belonged to a lady who sells sex toys out of the back of her car."

"WHAT??"

"We met her in a parking lot."

"...you're kidding."

"No, she was really nice."

I just...I didn't know what to say to that.

So there you go. If you're in Salt Lake, check out the Blue Boutique. And if you're in Saint George, check out the shady people who sell sex toys out of the back of their cars.



********


Kurt's response when I told him this story: "And that, my friends, is how you catch Chlamydia."


********


Note from Chantel:

"It was a lady who does sex toy parties! Like Tupperware parties! It wasn't weird!"

Sure, Chantel. Sure.

.


41 comments:

Renegades said...

LOL to funny. However, I'm betting your poor father is still recovering from it.

Heather said...

Your dad wanted it to be special. I think going with you would have been very special..in a creepy and awkward way.

(My idiot best friends invited my parents to a sex toy party they were giving my husband and me as a wedding shower. Weird.)

Suzy said...

LOL! Your poor Dad!

Mom of the Perpetually Grounded said...

I'm with "gasp" Romy!

Kmama said...

OMG, that is just hilarious. I can't believe you said that to your dad either. Something to remember (and laugh about) forever!

Corinne said...

I'm trying to picture your Dad's face and I can't. Honestly the funnest thing ever!! Pretty sure I wouldn't be able to look my Dad in the eye for a while after that!

Babes Mami said...

Hahaha I found out my dad was reading my blog after I posted a few adult reviews and man was that akward to explain!

Untypically Jia said...

I was totally waiting for you to tell us that after you blurted that out, that Kurt said something like, "I have no idea what she's talking about. I think sex shops are for perverts." LMAO.

Also, I've been to the Blue Boutique when we lived in SLC. We had a similar conversation with my aunt because we didn't have a car (she did) and we took the bus everywhere.

"Why don't you just want a ride home? We live in the same apartment complex."

Yeah. Lucky for us we got out of that conversation before it blew up.

MommyLovesStilettos said...

LMAO. Sounds very similar to my family.

JeanHasBeenShopping said...

Oh this is hilarious! I love that you blurted that out to your dad. Bwahahahahaha!
My sister used to work in the marketing dept. of a sex toy company in Los Angeles. She was always sending me toys. I still have 2 boxes of the stuff. And the back of my car does open. Hmmmm.... see you later!

Beka said...

Whoa. A lady who does those sort of parties...that would be weird.
Wow.
Ha! Your poor dad!!

Crystal said...

bwahahaha! Holy crap...laughing so hard!!! Your poor dad...has he recovered, yet?? I get all weird at those shops too...absolutly no eye contact...I turn into a 12 year old boy...laughing, giggling, snorting. I'm SO mature!!

The Mrs. said...

Firstly:
http://www.edenfantasys.com/

You're welcome ;) Sex shops are skeesky...online is the way to go. You can REALLY browse with out self-combustion due to embarrassment.

Now then:
I'm trying to picture the actual dinner! HAHAHAHA! Thanks for sharing the laugh...what a great moment in father/daughter history.

viewfromdownhere said...

Oh dear lord, I love your persistence in going to that shop. I'm not sure I wouldn't have just given in and said "to hell with it." And yes, not sure I'd buy sex toys out of someone's car...too funny :)

Christy said...

Wow. Your Dad. I am trying to picture his face. I think you made that dinner EXTRA SPECIAL with your announcement. Har har har har har. And Chantel, like Tupperware? Really? I really missed out on the good conversations having only a brother and no sisters. And please tell Kurt that I was so proud of this super cool climbing plant that we got for our house, it was supposed to climb up the post in front of the house. Anyway, I am telling my mom all about it and I tell her what it's called. "Yeah mom, it's a Clamydia vine". Silence. Then "I think you mean a Clematis vine". Oops.

Rachael said...

OMG, I love this story! Blue Boutique really is the classy way to go in Utah. I totally know what your sister was talking about with the lady and her trunk. One of my old coworkers was a sales rep for www.slumberparties.com. I went to a few bachelorette parties with her to help with the naughty word games. It was pretty hilarious. She called her best selling item, "Mr. Dependable."

Jenn @ South of Sheridan said...

Honestly? She probably does sell toys at parties. It's honestly called a "trunk show".

Yes, most of the shops in PA are creepy! The first few times I went, I found I had more courage if I went with a group of girlfriends than if I went with my significant other. Power in numbers, right?

Kristina P. said...

Your poor dad!

I wish I had known you were going. I would have steered you to a little known shop called Husband and Wife. I did a post about it probably 19-20 months ago.

It is basically a sex shop for Mormons. I literally walked away with a naughty sex coupon book, and a card with the Salt Lake Temple on it. Now that's classy.

And they just opened a new one down the street for my work, so I will be doing a follow up post.

Kristina P. said...

Oh, and did you go into the back room of the Blue Boutique? That's where the, uh, really naughty stuff is.

Jen said...

I just want to know, do you and your father speak of this now or is it like it never happened?

MiMi said...

Okay THIS?? Hilarious.
I went to a sex store ONCE.
And then an old man came in and asked if he could test (TEST?!) the fake, you know, I don't wanna use the D word...anyway, and it had WATER in it.
I was outta there and have never gone back.

the thrifty ba said...

when did this happen?

tsonodablog said...

Funny stuff!

Karla Telega said...

I went to a sex toy party with my friends once. There's something very wrong about passing a dildo around the room. Even stranger, buying the super deluxe model in front of your friends.

Smart Ass Sara said...

Hey guess what? Matt got paid today. And guess what that means? Your package of awesome is coming... bwahahahaha!!! I can't wait. :)

Katie Hurley, LCSW said...

Are you paying for your father's therapy? You should have your own TV show...

Alexandria Rammell said...

great story helena!!! I had a similar thing happen only I was browsing for lingerie on my lap top only to find my dad over my shoulder asking, "how do you have money for that"...without thinking I said " because I like my sex life to be spicy". then to break the ice I said "doesnt mom have any"....wait Alex...I dont really want to know I just want the attention off me and my face to slowly fade from red only to find that my next question could have gone much worse then it did. My dad's reply was "I get her a night grown every Christmas".

boy did I dodge a bullet there.....I gave my mom a hard time about it later!!!

The Empress said...

HOW in the world did that slip out?????

Grace Adams said...

I think this might be an example of "the truth shall set you free." Then again, maybe not. Funny, funny, funny!

ComfyMom~Stacey said...

What would have been even more awkward would have been if later your dad asked if you bought anything.

I've been to a few sex toy parties, since I never know 80% of the other attendies I critique most of the toys as if I own them already, things like "Oh I have one of these, the batteries burn out really quickly in it I find"

Ratz said...

Awkwardest moment ever! You win the award to top that.

Sherri said...

lol
Just found your blog today. Loved this post. I've been to one of those parties, it was too funny. The lady that was doing it had a dildo hanging from the mirror in her van which she called "the dick mobile". lol
The buying part was very discreet. you went to a bedroom with the saleslady and then she went out to her van to get the items. Most people left right after that. I'm figuring they were anxious to get home to try out their purchases. lol

Megan said...

HILARIOUS!

And I'm not sure I'd have the guts to meet a woman in a parking lot for sex toys - that seems to be asking for a special news segment!

Erin said...

omg! i could never have said that to my DAD. ROFLMAO!
this is priceless. seriously.

and i've always been too chicken to go to a sex shop. but now maybe i should try it. heee heeee

Shell said...

I read this on my blackberry the other day in the car(hubs was driving) and I was laughing so hard I was almost crying.

Jennifer said...

This is hilarious.

And just fyi, I've been to a couple of those "fun" parties where the ladies sell sex toys out of the back of their vans, and they are actually a lot of fun (pun not intended).

Rachel said...

This made me literally lol :) It makes me wish that things like this could be awkward with my parents...but nobody gets embarrassed when things like this are said around either of them.

I do have some hilarious stories about my mother-in-law, however, that I plan on blogging about soon!

manysleeplessnights.com said...

Thanks so much for the laugh! Your poor dad! Although, maybe next time he won't be so insistent that you all ride together :)

K A B L O O E Y said...

Got your brother the heck off the hook, didn't you? And awww, he wanted it to be "special". Not heroically awkward, just special.

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Adam and Jess said...

OH.. MY.. GOSH!! That was freakin hilarious. I can't imagine the guts to actually say that to my Dad but it did sound like he really wanted you in that car (young lady). j/k. Only you Helena, only you.

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