Wednesday, January 5, 2011

It was like a fairy tale. Only, with Pantyhose.

This year, we decided to try something new for New Years. Normally we get together with friends or family (depending on which part of the country we are in), and play games late into the night, getting drunk on Sparkling Cider, cookies, and laughter.

This year we wanted to try something new.

So we went to the Opera.

My friend Briana was in town, and it was her idea.

The Opera tickets were very expensive, but thanks to our powerful and influential connections, we got in for free.

(did I mention that Briana's husband was playing in the orchestra that night?)

I was nervous. Not only had I never actually met Briana before (we are blogging friends), but I also do not own any formal dresses.

And this was a formal dress event. With well-to-do patrons. Who wore a lot of diamonds, sequins, and fur. Real Diamonds, sequins, and fur.

I can't imagine how many people died harvesting those sequins.

Before we left for the event, I ran around like crazy, trying to throw together a passable outfit.

It wasn't easy.

In the end, I chose a little black dress, with fancy high heels, and black stockings.

I hated those stocking.

I have a lot of tights, but all of them have runs. So on our way into Oakland we stopped at Target, and I bought the cheapest pair I could find.

They were super-ultra-control top. And I had to put them on in the car.

There we were, driving through traffic, with my skirt hiked up to my waist, struggling to pull these things up. Kurt was horrified.

"Helena! Stop it. The other cars can see you."

But I didn't care. It was either me, or the pantyhose, and I wasn't going to let something as trivial as "indecent exposure" get in the way of this victory.

Once I got them over my hips, I reached down to my toes, trying to coax that last inch up my legs.

And when I finally had them where I wanted them, I started flexing.

Usually when you're putting on tights you do it while standing, with room enough to squat and lunge them into place. That way the crotch doesn't sag tightly to mid-thigh, restricting your movement in a way that is reminiscent of a straightjacket.

Well, I had to mimic those movements in the car. I brought my knees up to my chin, and flailed my feet around. It probably looked like I was giving birth. In heels.

Not one of my more elegant moments.

Kurt gave up, and stared resolutely out the windshield, too embarrassed to even acknowledge when my foot hit him in the face.

(Which was a total accident. I promise.)

When we parked next to the library, I climbed out of the car, and surreptitiously gave the tights a few extra tugs. Then, glancing around, I squatted for good measure.

When we walked into the building, I was immediately impressed with just how impressive the other guests were. Or at least, how impressed they were with themselves.

Have I mentioned the sequins?

I looked around hopefully, and spotted Briana almost immediately. She looked beautiful. Her dress wasn't a dress- it was a gown.

I hesitated in the doorway, because, well, the pressure of meeting someone who reads my blog is kind of intense.

I am not very funny in real life. I'm mostly just awkward.

I was mumbling something about having to text and make sure it was her, when she looked up at me and smiled.


She got up, and walked quickly across the atrium, a huge smile on her face.

I tried to smile back, but it probably looked more like a frightened grimace.

"And Kurt! I am so glad to finally meet you!"

She swept me into a hug, and I started to relax.

(If you ever meet me in real life, please give me a hug. I will be really nervous.)

We exchanged pleasantries and compliments. "Your hair looks so pretty!" "I love your dress," and made our way towards our seats.

I began to feel more confident, and shared the panty-hose-in-the-car story. Briana laughed and commiserated, and I noticed the proper old lady in front of me shift with displeasure.

It wasn't exactly a refined topic.

(But I didn't really care.)

Throughout the performance, which was actually pretty funny, we were treated to some unexpected diversions. A man sitting behind us started to snore. And elegantly dressed woman tottered in after intermission, completely drunk, and flopped down all over someone elses chair.

Afterward, we went to the Gala.

The lobby of the library had been turned out elegantly. The gala was basically a ball, with a lot of free desserts.

I owned that dessert bar.

The guests were dancing and laughing, and spilling champagne all over the tables. At one point, a Navy Officer proposed to his sweetheart (and I am fairly certain she said yes).

It was overwhelming.

We danced, and laughed, and ate with our new friends. Briana and her husband are just as nice and funny in real life as she is on her blog.

After midnight, Briana announced "I need a cheeseburger."

So we hopped into our car, and drove to Steak And Shake.

It was a fantastic, magical night.

When we got home, I peeled those pantyhose off, and tossed them in the trash.

...but then I dug them out, and slept with them under my pillow.

That night was like a fairy tale. Only, with Pantyhose.



Carol, The Answer Is Chocolate said...

I loved your description of how to put tights on. It's so true. My husband laughs at me as I squat and move around the bedroom like a deranged rooster. You are an enchanting writer. Glad you had fun.

the thrifty ba said...

i remember one time putting on tights...while driving!
im glad you met briana-someday i will come east and we will all meet!

Jennifer said...

I can't stand it when you don't get them up all the way and the crotch hangs down about two or three inches and no matter what you do it seems like it just will not get where it is supposed to be. Unfortunately I have to wear hose almost every day because I chose to work somewhere that we have to dress "professional" (also known as hot, and not in the good way).

Heather said...

Those is like you took of them of me putting on hose. (Ten years ago when I last tried.)

Hilarious story - but I am sad because I can never meet you. I don't hug. I am hugophobic.

I'll work on it.

Sounds like a great time!

Macey said...

Awww, this is so sweet! Mostly hilarious though. I LOVE the pictures of the stages of panty hose donning...and the lunges to get into em in the upright position. You almost lost me there cause I choked on my own spit.

Suzy Myers said...

Loved that last picture of you with your feet on the dash! My husband would have died. ha!

I have a phobia of meeting blogging friends in person because I am not nearly as funny in real life. Just kinda weird. But I'd hug you if I could!


Liz Mays said...

I have that issue with Spanx, so I can relate to your acrobatics. I'm glad that it all turned out to be a fantastic night though!

TornadoTwos said...

I was chuckling out loud when i got to your pics of putting on pantyhose, it's perfect! I thought I was the only one who went through all that to get them on, my husband saw me once and said "maybe you need to buy a bigger size." Jerk! Anyways, it sounds like you had a fun night!

Unknown said...

And that, my friend, is why I avoid all tights/pantyhose/constricting evil contraptions of doom with everything in my existance.

Mainly because of all the comments I get from the peanut gallery when I am struggling to get them on.

But I am so glad you had a wonderful evening. That does sound magical. Except the pantyhose. And I will remember to hug you if we ever meet IRL.

Gosfam said...

Definitely seems magical. i don't think I would ever want to experience the Opera. We have a lady in our ward that has kind of ruined that for me :) Happy New Year to you--Pantyhose and all.

Jen @ Dear Mommy Brain said...

I want to host a protest where we throw glitter on unsuspecting sequin wearers. Someone must stop the insanity.

Anonymous said...

I absolutely loved this. Loved the illustrations. Enchanted by the story!

Di said...

Reading your blog after a c-section is dangerous! I almost busted my incision from laughing so hard! Love it!

Jen said...

What a great night out!

And I can only imagine your car pantyhose issues.

Too funny.

Devonay said...

I laughed so loud!!! I totally recognized my younger self doing all of those crazy things to make the hose fit right - in front of my ex-husband. I was young and thin... now, if I wore pantyhose, I would be behind a padlocked door to make sure I could get them on! Thanks for the laugh... I really needed it today. I'm just glad I wasn't drinking my Pepsi when you described putting your feet on the dash. The pics are priceless! Annnnnd, if I met you, I would so totally hug you! I'm a hugger too!!! I'm happy you had a good time.

Sara Strand said...

I avoid tights and pantyhose if at all possible. Oy. It's not natural. And does anyone really look good in them? Really? I don't get it at all. ;)

Michael- said...

I think your blog is great, but over 800 followers??? You should probably just have your own show on the Life Network by now then...


Crystal said...

Ugh! I hate pantyhose-so not sexy! And, yep, you do have to have some ability of acrobatics to get the darn things on. What a pain. SHouldn't men have some kind of equivalent torture!

beka said...

Wow wow wow.
And this is why I haven't worn tights since I was 9!!! Golly. Hate those things. The world just has to put up with my whiteness. :P Hahaha.

beka said...

Wow wow wow.
And this is why I haven't worn tights since I was 9!!! Golly. Hate those things. The world just has to put up with my whiteness. :P Hahaha.

Oh--that's really cool you got to meet a blogger lady!! She sounds really sweet:)

Amber Dawn said...

Just last weekend for christmas I had to wear my sister-in-law's pantyhose and I could comfortably say she's about 20 lbs lighter than me so all night I was secretly cursing her pantyhose that turned my christmas outfit into muffin top city!! :)

Untypically Jia said...

I can't even breathe reading this because of the cartoon imagery. Well done you.

DB said...

That was great! I needed a laugh after the day I had today. Thanks for that.

I've had many similar panyhose moments. The best ones were when I was late to band practice and I had to put on a sports bra on the way without flashing everyone around me.

My town's small enough that they would know who I was.

viewfromdownhere said...

I totally hate putting panty hose on, too! That did sound fun, though, going to the opera, and it's always cool to meet a blogging friend in real life. Glad you had a great time!

Unknown said...

That is how it was to put on pantyhose in Bari, Italy with PAC. Except it was in a dressing room (that was actually a broom closet fit for 2) that had no ventilation or air conditioning and it was at least 100 degrees with 100% humidity.

It took 5 minutes to put on the hosiery. FIVE! Sweaty legs. Oh, dear. There is a reason why I am glad I bought the largest size. "Q" baby! It's all about the Q's.

Unknown said...

Also, your story was hilarious. Why aren't we friends in real life again? I miss your face.

Jean Has Been Shopping said...

Hahahaha! I would have left the hose in the trash. My feet have a way of ruining hose from any further use unless thoroughly fumigated. (tmi)

Jenn said...

OH MY GOODNESS!!! I laughed so hard at this -- especially when you described Kurt trying to ignore you after you kicked him in the face. I laughed out loud, and then had to read the whole thing to my MIL :) Thanks for sharing!

Unknown said...

You are so cute! I loved this post and especially the illustrations. I've totally put clothes on in the car and can relate to the stretching/squats, etc...

Glad you got to meet another blogger and if I met you, I'd give you a great big hug, too!


Anonymous said...

As always, you ROCK the illustrations :-) The last one especially - stockings like that must die, preferably as quickly as possible once not absolutely necessary. Gack! (Even though I wear only skirts/dresses, I will *never* use those kinds of stockings! - sorry, my loathing of the things just came through a bit too strongly I guess)

Kmama said...

I LOATHE pantyhose and tights. Actually anything tight on me at all. And because I'm a cold person, I just avoid wearing skirts and dresses as much as possible. If I wear them once a year, that's pretty normal.

Sounds like you had a great time. I never would have thought of the opera as a NYE event.

Corinne said...

I love that you went to the Opera! I've never been to one before but I think it would be fun to do for a night!
And I hate pantyhose. I completely understand the squats, stretches and such you speak of.

mypixieblog said...

Holy crap, girl. This post cracked me the hell up! I hate pantyhose with a fiery rage--they never stay where they are supposed to! I had a pair on in the office yesterday and had to run to the bathroom at one point because the crotch had magically slipped about 6 inches too low. The hell?! Anyway, it sounds as though you had a very nice time and that's awesome you were able to meet a new bloggy friend!

Unknown said...

this is so funny!
i hate pantyhose stockings and leggings.

but at least you experienced a magical and different night.

love your drawings!

ComfyMom~Stacey said...

I haven't worn pantyhose in years but it all just came back to me. Love the drawings of you pulling them on!

DLK said...

This post made my day. What a great night. I haven't worn p.hose in years either (but then again, I've never been invited to a ball). How nice to meet a blogger friend -so cool!!! Happy New Year, Helena!!

roberta_mac said...

Thigh highs are not just sexy, waaaaay better than waist ba8nded tights.

MommaKiss said...

The whole time I was picturing you as Vivian, going to the opera with Edward. Sigh.

Now this 'hose' situation. No fekkin way I could put a pair on in the car. You're way impressive.

Katie Hurley, LCSW said...

I was laughing so hard that I was in tears and could hardly read by the time I made it to the end. You are the best thing that's happened to me in a while! Is that creepy?!!

I can't wait for the next post!

Mama Mary said...

I love that you went to the opera with someone you had never met IRL. I'm ashamed to say that I've never been to the opera. But I do always end up throwing my pantyhose or spanx away in the restroom at the end of an evening out. And, I will definitely hug you when me meet IRL. Wanna come out to SD this summer for BlogHer?

Unknown said...

Oh my god I hate pantyhose and the crotch thing. ugh.

Glad you had a good night thought.

Alexandra said...

Most awesome.

What a wonderful friend.

How did you arrange this? It was so generous of her.

Unknown said...

Thanks for liking my dress! You really looked very beautiful too! I think you're just as awesome in real life!!!! Can't wait to see you again in a few months!!!

PS -BEST stick figs EVER!! :D

Shell said...

I HATE pantyhose. Biggest selling point for me to move here? NO ONE wears pantyhose! I threw them all out with glee before I moved.

Sounds like a really fun night. The dessert bar especially.

We will meet when I come to town next time! I will be totally awkard, too.

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