Thursday, December 9, 2010

I *need* a camera in my bedroom. For posterity.



Kurt talks in his sleep. If I catch him at the right moment, we can have whole conversations.

It's awesome.

The other night, Kurt really needed to study. But it was 2:30 am, and he could barely keep his eyes open.

"Helena, do you mind waking me up in an hour? I know you aren't going to sleep yet."

...Yeah. That's what happens when I'm unemployed.

"Sure thing. How badly do you need to wake up?"

"Pretty badly. I have to study."

At 3:30, I went in and tried to fulfill my end of the deal. But he wouldn't wake up. He has been averaging 4 hours a night, and I guess it had caught up to him.

I shook him, and tried to roll him over, but it didn't work very well. He just got all whiny and angsty, and didn't really make sense.

"Kurt, I need you to wake up. This was your idea!"

"Noooooooo....uuungghhmumblemumble"

"Baby, you aren't 3. You need to use your words."

"Give me back my penis!!"

"...WHAT??"

"You stole it! Give it baaaaaack!" He was very distressed.

I was doubled over with laughter.

"It's still there, Kurt, I promise!"

"Noooo, you took it! You're soooo meeeeeaan!!!"

I could barely gasp the words out.

"Kurt, I didn't take your penis!"

He scrunched his nose up, and frowned in my general direction. I could tell he didn't believe me.

My stomach ached from laughing so hard.

After a few more minutes of reassuring him that his penis was still there, I told him that I was going to turn on the shower.

He mostly ignored this, muttering about how he had married a thief.

Until he heard the water running.

"Nooooo, turn it ooooffff!"

"Kurt, you need to wake up!"

"No, I need sleeeep."

"Well, I need you to wake up enough to make a conscious decision about this. If you get out of the shower, and still decide to sleep, I will leave you alone."

"Why are you so aaaawful?? I can't haaaandle it!"

"Kurt, just sit up."

"You are a baaad personnnn!"

"I know, I am, but you need to wake up!"

"I NEED TO SLEEP!"

"I don't know if that's really you talking!!"

"It is! It's really me, NOT MY CERVIX!!"

...his cervix??

And then I died laughing.

In the end I decided to let the poor guy sleep. His penis (and his cervix) deserved some rest.

If only I had a bedroom camera.

This one would have gone viral.


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I'm linking this one up to the Friday Funny Link Up with The Mayor of Crazy Town.

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51 comments:

Jenn said...

That's really funny...poor guy...although, it kind of makes you wonder if he was dreaming something...scary! :)

TKW said...

What the Hell did he eat before bed? That must have been *some* dream!

Suzy said...

Was he mad at you in the morning? My daughter talks in her sleep, she actually walks around and has full conversations with you. And never remembers it in the morning. She would have accused me of not waking her up.

Next time, record it. Ha!

suzy

Clarissa Emily said...

Can't...type...so...funny!

viewfromdownhere said...

Can I just say that I read this in court waiting for my hearing to be called and almost lost it laughing? That's hilarious....oh, dear lord...

Heather said...

I generally opt not to watch videos on the computer, but I would certainly tuned in for this one!!!

I don't think The Coach even knows the word cervix!

the thrifty ba said...

awesome! my sister in law caught her hubby (drugged on percocet) on video saying that he was olive oil and that cats were licking his nose.
but the penis story is MUCH better!

Suesan said...

Okay, that's too funny. My oldest talked in his sleep, but he was never that entertaining. I hope Kurt caught up on his sleep. Sounds like the poor guy really needed it.

Thanks for the laugh!

Untypically Jia said...

This caught me off guard so quickly that when I laughed I split my lip open! LOL!

Christy said...

I'm sure everyone at work is looking at me a bit strangely b/c I just busted out laughing! wow

I empathize w/ your husband though. I talk in my sleep too. I was demanded my husband give me his eyeball and a mug from the kitchen. who knows ...

Kristina P. said...

Any meth use going on?

Shauna said...

Oh Geeze!!! This is so like me! I talk in my sleep A LOT! My husband just lays there and will carry on the conversation...poor kurt!

This is probably the best laugh Ive had today!

maleahbliss said...

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!! OMGosh. Helana, you'd have won any home video contest. I'm laughing so hard I'm crying! I WISH you'd been able to record that.

Shell said...

Oh, yes! You need a camera! HILARIOUS!!!

Dysfunctional Mom said...

I just spit all over my screen! That's good stuff right there.

The Empress said...

Would he get pissed if you did post the vid here?

Like, how pissed? Like totally worht it pissed???

Jessica said...

You gave it your best try though. I'm not sure I could have handled all that funny.

Christine Jargick said...

thanks for visiting me and checking out my vintage ornaments. Yes, they would cost a fortune, I think I'll just keep the ones I have ;-)
this post is too funny!!! count ur blessings that you have a motivated guy who goes to school and studies, my guy is stuck in a rut :-( but, I love him anyway

MiMi said...

Oh, I'm so glad his cervix is okay....?! LOL!!!

Tiffany said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Are you sure our hubbys aren't related? Cause yours sounds just like mine! Mine sleepwalks and talks - makes my life VERY interesting!

Lindsey said...

Absolutely hilarious!

Babes Mami said...

Hahahaha...I'm a sleep talker on occasion. My mom used to have whole conversations with me and now my husband does if he catches me at the right time. I wonder if I will ever accuse him of taking my vagina?

The Doll said...

Oh my that is hilarious! I talk in my sleep but luckily I've never had conversations like that. I mainly try to catch animals. Thanks for sharing, I needed a laugh today.

Beka said...

Oh my word!!!!
That is way too funny!
My siblings have sleep--talked before, but usually I can't carry on a convo with them, darnit. LOL
Oh man. He's got both, huh? Ha!

I was truly laughing.
Thanks for posting this. It was almost as laughter-inducing as that site--http://damnyouautocorrect.com/ that had my abs aching...

brlracincwgrl said...

This is hilarious! My boyfriend sleep talks too, and some of the things he says, I write down so I can remember them word for word int he morning.

Lady Jennie said...

That's hilarious. What did he think about the dream? Saw the humor, I hope!

Helena said...

We both laughed so hard when I told him about it. His only memory of the whole thing was "I remember you were being so mean to me, but I can't remember what you did." I stole your pens, Kurt. And you were traumatized

Jen said...

You can't make up stuff that funny! I'm your newest follower through Le Chateau des Fleurs.

dearmommybrain.blogspot.com

Corinne said...

Holy crap. i just died laughing!! I can't imagine how hard it was for you!!!

4 hours of sleep? yikes. no wonder his mind was all confused.

Kimberly said...

I would laugh but I am a sleep talker and laugher too. I've been known to carry on convos with myself. Husband thinks I'm possessed. But cervix dreams? That's weird.

concretenprimroses said...

so funny. I can't stop smiling.
I hope the poor guy has caught up on his rest at least.
Kathy

Katie Hurley, LCSW said...

OH my god, really funny! My husband talks AND walks in his sleep. He once hid my favorite pair of jeans on a super high shelf in a closet that was basically unused and I didn't find them for a year. Now he usually just wakes me up to tell me about the aliens in our house...which really causes me to wonder...

Katie

http://practicalparenting.blogspot.com

tsonodablog said...

Priceless. Real life is so dang funny sometimes. Love it.

Terri

K said...

That is hilarious. I can't even imagine that coming out of my husbands mouth. Good thing you documented it on here. It will be saved for years to come. =)

Smart Ass Sara said...

I'm buying you a vibrator THIS WEEKEND so the next time this happens you can hand it to him. See? I told you need one of these in your life.

Amber Dawn said...

First of all...I've been MIA but I just caught up on all your madness and lemons. :( Boo. I'm so sorry that happened and that totally sucks but I'll keep my fingers crossed for you as well...I'm always hoping for a long lost super rich relative to help me out too!!Keep us posted on that too...

But on a side note, you are still an amazing blogger and maybe you can turn this into a book or something?? Because your posts always.make.my.day.(Except when they are sad and then I send blog hugs to you which you may or may not know).

Vered - Blogger for Hire said...

I think this one should go viral even without a video. :)

Larissa said...

Oh man, this is better than coffee.

Renegades said...

OMG that is to funny. LOL Does he know he shared this? If so ummm you might wanna find a good hiding place. I'm just suggesting........

Crystal said...

OMGosh SO funny! My hubby does crazy things in his sleep-or wake-or sleep...not really sure what level of consciousness it is. But TOO FUNNY!

Momma McCall said...

AWESOME!! I'll share this with The Hubs so he knows he's not alone. He does the craziest things in his sleep!!

kluckmeister said...

Hmmm the title intrigued me to click on this link for other reasons... the dialogue was almost just as entertaining!

Amy said...

OMG this was very disturbing. I talk in my sleep like a crazy person which makes me nervous because I am scared my roommate is going to blackmail me or something. Gahahhhh

JeanHasBeenShopping said...

Bwahahahahaha! I hope he joined you in the laughter when he finally woke up. I'll bet he doesn't even believe he said those things. LOL!

maleahbliss said...

I just read this to my husband. He was only half listening until I said "penis" and he was like ..What?? Hahahahaha. Then he listened We had a great laugh! :)

JoJo said...

Bahaha I feel like Freud would have a field day with this one. Oedipus complex much?

Chantel said...

Hahaha! Oh poor Kurt. How did he respond when he saw this? Or does he not know yet?

Carrie said...

did you go type it out immediately after it happened? I would have forgotten that whole exchange.

My kids and I have the most entertaining conversations sometimes that I always mean to blog but if I don't get to a computer ASAP it is *poof* gone!

Visiting from the Red Dress Club

The Mayor! said...

Oh how deliciously embarrassing is that??!! My hubs gets in to bar fights & swears & punches when he's had a few...he's not allowed to sleep with me if he's been drinking! I think maybe, just to thank you for linking up & playing along with the Friday Funny, I need to take up a collection to buy you one of those Nanny cams to hide in your bdrm....but we don't wanna see the x-rated stuff, just the funny stuff! :-))

I take it he found his penis once he woke up??

Van said...

Tears in the corners of my eyes from trying to resist laughing outloud.

Perfection! I've heard funny sleep-talking but this one is the best there will ever be!

Wishing you had a camera in your bedroom too, you could bank on the ad revenue from the high click trhough rate on that video. You'd never have to work again! :D

Mizasiwa said...

im laughing so hard im crying!! and trying to be quiet in an office full of people that i cant tell cos im not supposed to be reading blogs is really hard!!! This is brilliant!!

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