Sunday, December 12, 2010

Oh hey, remember that time when I was MOLESTED BY A CENTIPEDE??



About 15 minutes ago, I was lying in bed, reading a book. The story had just taken an unexpected turn, and I was flying through the pages so fast, my fingers could barely keep up.

Suddenly, I felt a tickle on my chest. I glanced down, and saw a centipede crawling down my cleavage.


OH.MY.GOSH.

Screaming, I reached my finger down, and flicked it out onto the bed.

And then I just kept screaming.

We have a centipede problem. We kill 2-4 per week. They aren't very big, and they mostly hang out on our ceilings.


As far as pests go, they aren't so bad. They have no interest in food, and they kill other pests. Spiders, ants- we never have to worry about those.

But have you ever watched a centipede move? The slithery sway of its body as its dozens of legs take it across a room is almost hypnotizing.

It's disturbing.

....And their new interest in female anatomy.


Ugh, I'm still shaking.

When I say "we" kill them, I mostly mean Kurt. The juicy little mark it leaves on the wall when you catch them, IF you catch them, is too much for me. And when you miss the first time, they take off so fast you're lucky to get a second shot.

Yeah. I let Kurt take on that manly role.

So tonight when I looked down and saw one crawling down between my boobs, my screams brought the manly 'Pede Hunter running. He scooped it off the bed between his tissue-covered fingers, and as I gasped out an explanation, "It.was.on.my.cleavage!!" He calmly squeezed the life out of it.


Then he hugged me tightly and said "Well, I can't blame it."

My hero.

After smacking his shoulder, I asked for a lighter so I could burn my cleavage off. It seemed like the best option.

I can still feel it crawling on me.

...I don't think I will ever sleep in my bed again.





54 comments:

Amy said...

Hahahaha OH MY GOSH!!! That is hilarious and disturbing all at once!! YUCKKK. I have never seen a centipede in real life but it looks terrifying!

We have tons of little black bugs in my apartment these days... They are always crawling everywhere. Its disgusting. I used to be scared of them, but after killing about 10 a day I can now kill them while I'm eating. No I'm not proud of that.

FreeFlying said...

That is very sad and I'm so sorry that you're traumatized.

*pause to show appropriate amount of sincerity*

Now, what book were you reading that was such a page turner?! I am SO due a good book.

Gosfam said...

Oh dear!! I am freaked out with you. I am not a girly girl and freak out or scream at spiders or anything, but REALLY a centipede in your cleavage is too much :) Glad you had a centipede killer close and so accommodating.

Helena said...

It's called Life As We Knew It, by Susan Beth Pfeffer. And I would recommend it, except I can't be sure that isn't what attracted the centipede....So read carefully.

Ratz said...

I sympathise with you Helena... So been there....

Beka said...

Holy shoot, I have absolutely NO words.
That is just freakin' nasty. :P So sorry you got to experience that.
O.M.G. I would be scarred for life....ewww....ew..ew....

Natalie said...

NO WAY!! Seriously??! I'd have burned off my boobs, too.

Chantel said...

Oh.My.Gosh... I would not be able to sleep in my bed if that happened to me!

I hate centipedes! We had a few during our first couple of months here. I'm sorry you're having an issue with them, I do hope that gets better. Otherwise they might overtake your home while you're visiting for Christmas

The Empress said...

I want to steal every post you put up.

"Tis the season for honesty.

loveyougirl

Jennifer Leigh said...

Yeah I think I would have reacted just like you did! EW!!!

Christy said...

NASTY! I think I'd burn my boobs off, burn my bed, possibly burn the house down and just start over. But then I am a little extreme over bugs. And Chantel is soooooo sweet with her Christmas/bug hostile takeover comment. Loooooved it!

tsonodablog said...

Creepy Crawlies, my version of HELL.
Normally I do a "perimeter check" to check for any freeloaders on the ceiling or corners of my room before going to bed. However, not that I (duh) realize the little suckers could be IN the bed, I have to rethink my bedtime strategy.
Shuddering here....
UGH
Terri

Untypically Jia said...

Guh, my husband would have said the same thing. Also, I feel your pain. Spiders are trying to murder me.

Karla Telega said...

Wow! Never mind screaming, I would have had to change my underwear. I hope there was no permanent emotional damage - I mean to you, not the centipede.

Stretching My Imagination said...

Ack!! That's so scary. Gack. Creepy-crawlies, well, make my skin crawl. I hope you are feeling better somewhat now...

The Chaser said...

Just found your blog. Read this post about the bug...and saved you in my favorites. I hate bugs. My daughter and I stood outside in the rain for five minutes once because there was a bug on the door handle. Right now I'm in Afghanistan. Who knows what kind of bugs are here...and what they will do with my cleavage once they find it.
visit me: www.whatichase.blogspot.com

viewfromdownhere said...

oh dear lord...that would have scared the life out of me. I used to have a centipede problem in my old apartment. I found one in my bed one night, and ever since then, I check the bed completely before getting into it at night...ugh...

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

OOOOO. EMMMMMMMM. GEEEEEEEEE. Girl, I have BEEN there!!! I had a traumatic experience with a centipede last year. Here's the link:

http://www.princessofsarcasm.com/2009/10/by-popular-demandand-as-part-of-my.html

I seriously had PTSD as a result of the encounter. And I would freak the hell out if I saw another one!! You need to call Billy the Exterminator...pronto!!

the thrifty ba said...

ummm...i have a hard time believing this story. i lived in the pitts for many years and never saw one of those nasty bugs!

the thrifty ba said...

ummm...i have a hard time believing this story. i lived in the pitts for many years and never saw one of those nasty bugs!

the thrifty ba said...

ummm...i have a hard time believing this story. i lived in the pitts for many years and never saw one of those nasty bugs!

Kmama said...

Ick, ick, ick. I am freaking out for you. I am seriously shuddering.

Bryan and Jamie said...

sick. I don't know if there is a worse combination. Centipedes on cleavage. ew. ew. ew. I am sorry!

Milk-2Sugars said...

this sounds awful! I dont know how you managed to even tell that story without shivering every 2 minutes in disgust lol

really hope you didnt burn your cleavage off though, thatd mean the centipede won

Corinne said...

OMG EWWWWWW.
I would have died. We had some stink bug issues this year and they'll randomly crawl on the couch and I get so grossed out. I hate bugs.

ps - finally showcased our tree. Granted the ornaments aren't near as awesome as the ones your dad made!

Jennifer said...

In Texas we have these gigantic roaches, and sometimes when it is cold or wet they will come inside, and sometimes if you feel something tickling you at night you better high tail your rear end out of that bed screaming and slapping to be sure it isn't on you.

Rachael said...

Yuck! We had a millipede infestation at the Branbury and would vacuum up their bodies from under the couch once a week. It made me never ever want to sit on the love seat in our apartment.

P.S. My husband is now just as obsessed with reading your blog as I am. Yesterday afternoon he was checking his email and said, "Is Helena okay do you think? She hasn't posted in awhile." We're both glad that you survived the centipede.

Tara : Damon said...

i read very small parts of this post because the disgusting pictures were too much for my screen to linger on. but i get the gist of it. we have box elder bugs in our apartment and i HATE them so much! there was one on our bed last night (while we were in it!) and i freaked out, that is my biggest fear, them crawling on me when i'm asleep... or when the baby comes, them being in the crib. oh barf, i hate this post (in a good way!)!

Smart Ass Sara said...

Dude- you need to move. Centipedes and bugs are not ok. EW. When I come to visit you- I'm staying in a hotel. :)

Suzy said...

Gahhh!!! I'm checking the ceiling right now. The darn thing wouldn't have to bite me. I'd die from the heart attack. Ha!

suzy

Kim @ seven thirty three said...

Ew, ew, ew, ew, ewwwwwwwwwwww! I'm hyperventilating FOR YOU! ACK. I would get in the shower and scrub!!!! YAY Kurt!

Heather said...

Were all 72 of those pictures really necessary. I may never sleep again either.

Your poor molested thing. I hope your cleavage emerged unscathed.

blueviolet said...

That is disgusting!

PS. Anything with antennae or legs needs to be killed by a man. Ok, that's everything pretty much.

MiMi said...

EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is disgusting!

DLK said...

I'm horrified! There aren't enough drugs made that could get me back in that bed. Oh, I feel for you. I'm gonna go burn my cleavage in solidarity!!

DLK said...

BTW - Read that book and loved it too!!!

Kimberly said...

For the love of all things cute and fluffy why? Whyyyyyy? Why?!

Amber Dawn said...

Oh my gosh...we have those too and they are SO FREAKING FAST!

TKW said...

Holy Crap! I think I would have peed myself. But your hubs' comment is priceless.

Jen said...

My house is currently being invaded by ticks. Not quite as creepy, but I am obsessively scrutinizing every black dot I see. I guess it's better than the mice we've had shacking up in the past...

http://dearmommybrain.blogspot.com

Erica said...

Helena, AWFUL/amazing story! I remember the nasty centipedes from when I grew up in PA.

I also have a suggestion: since you're such an awesome reader, you should do some kind of top books list or something. Mostly I'm trying to find a good book my mom would enjoy, but I bet your readers (and me) would love your take on a top ten reads :)

ComfyMom~Stacey said...

OMG I would have taken a billion showers!

Larissa said...

Holy crap, I'm feeling sympathy itches.

Those are "house centipedes," and we've had 'em. And personally, I think anything called a "house centipede" should be annihilated. Sorry, "house" and "more than 5 legs" just shouldn't go together and the name implies that they *belong* in a house. Um... NO.

By the way, by comparison to my reaction if I'd found one actually ON me, you were the picture of composure. I wouldn't fling it off my chest. I'd flail insanely, thereby risking centipede guts on. my. chest.

But I wouldn't be able to help it. If it's got more than 5 legs (starfish are OK), I don't get along with it, and the more legs, the worse it gets. 100 legs (even if it just seems that way) on a critter that's ON me? I think I'd have an actual psychotic break.

Sandra said...

What do you mean poisonous??? Aaaaack! I'd be screaming too! You must feel so dirty!

Missy@Wonder, Friend said...

Aaaagh. I am horrified! Poor you - I'd still be screaming. Blech. Somehow, I've made it nearly 37 years without seeing a centipede (not sure how I managed that). But now that image is burned in my mind.

Shauna said...

I dont care what it is NOTHING crawls on me without my premission! That especially goes for something that has THAT many legs! Hold off on the knife, just take a HOT shower!!!

TornadoTwos said...

Ok you gotta warn me before you just up and post close up pics of creepy bugs like that! I am so afraid of creepy bugs. I'd never feel the same in my bed again if I had that happen to me.

Kathleen Boland said...

Ewwwwwwwww! I am shivering for you. Disgusting. Big spiders and silverfish make me squirm. Usually I can call the kids and they put it in a jar to examine....outside.

KLZ said...

Wait, they're POISONOUS???

How did I not know this?

There's only one solution. You're going to need to replace your boobs with poisonous ones. Just to make the fight fair.

Lady Jennie said...

When I lived in Somaliland, we wore these long loose robes. One morning I was standing in the kitchen when I felt something, which happened to be a large water bug (cockroach) that had climbed up the length of the dress until it got to my cleavage where it decided to hang on for dear life. I couldn't rip off my dress with all the male guards peering in our compound so I had to be content with clutching it in the folds of my dress, releasing it where it fell to the floor and squishing it with my sandal before it could scurry away.

We can start a support group for bugs on cleavage.

Maretta and Danny said...

50 COMMENTS! Helena, you're ridiculous! That means at least another 50 people have read this post and just didn't comment. You're ridiculous.

coolestfamilyontheblock said...

Oh my gosh, Helena, that is so incredibly gross and creepy!

I've lived in Western PA all of my life and I'd never seen one of those centipedes until I started working at a credit union in 2007 and they were all over the place in the basement-office where I worked...thank the good Lord one never got on me (let alone crawled all over the "twins"). Now I might see one downstairs in the kitchen if it's say 3am or so. Nasty. Just nasty.

So anyway, this whole thing reminded me of my experience with a moth that I blogged about awhile back: http://coolestfamilyontheblock.wordpress.com/2010/10/06/wordful-wednesday-the-moth/ Enjoy! Though, it's not near as terrifying as your experience.

P.S. I didn't really appreciate all of the detailed photos of the disgusting insects...just too creepy!

Star @ A Load Of Craft said...

SICK! I would die. I'm sorry you had to live through that one!!

Van said...

Bugs love me, I have been violated by bug rape before. I feel your pain. The worste time was when I was in the tub trying to relax when I felt a ticklle on my neck. 'Twas the antenna of a huge roach perche don my sholder. Baths were never the same at that house...

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