Thursday, November 25, 2010

My husband left me for that whore textbook. Again.




Happy Thanksgiving!

I wanted to share this post with you guys, as a break from all of the nice, thoughtful, I'm-thankful-for posts that are suffocating the internet with gratitude and happiness. Don't get me wrong, I like those posts. But sometimes its nice to take a break, and contemplate murder.

It's kind of choppy, and the transitions suck, mostly because I copied it strait out of my journal and haven't had a minute to edit it. Between visiting relatives, and an exciting razor-blade-in-tire incident, things have been a little hectic around here.

It all started with a Facebook update...


I know what you're thinking. She's just a distraction. It's not like he is going to keep her forever. He married me, and shouldn't that count for something?

It's just....I know they are sleeping together. I've seen it. I've come home from a night out with the wives, only to find Kurt drooling on his textbook, his head resting between her ample pages, the smell of sparkling cider lingering in the air.

No one should have to walk in on that.

And now I don't know what to do.


--------


One of my friends recommended getting him alone for a few days. She pointed out that the holidays are coming up, and that might be the perfect time to win him back.

Thanksgiving with his family, Christmas with mine.

Plus, I have my Turkey lingerie, and that Mrs. Clause garter belt on my side. There's no way he could resist that, right?


--------


"Good news babe! I scheduled my boards for January 22. I'll have to bring my textbooks with us, and study a lot during the holidays. Especially Christmas. But I knew you'd understand."

UNDERSTAND???

Oh, I understand all right.

That malicious, scheming little tramp...

Well, I have a little holiday surprise in store for her.


"Are you thankful NOW???"



"How about some holiday cheer, textbook???"


...If only I could get away with it.

But even if I could hide the evidence, the motive is a little too obvious. There's no way they wouldn't catch me.

Maybe I should talk to him about it?


--------


"Hey dude, I miss you."

"Yeah, I know."

"...and the other night, when you came home late? I saw that ink smudge on your collar."

"That? That was nothing. A campus newspaper must have brushed up against me on the bus."

"Look, it's ok. I get it. You're young, and you spend long hours at the lab. There are a lot of attractive books around, and you see them day after day. But, I just have to know that I can trust you."

He got kind of defensive, and walked out of the room.

I felt defeated. What now? Should I pretend like my feelings didn't matter, and just wait it out, hoping that he'll come back to me? Or should I just give up, and go stay with my sister?

If only there was a third option...

...Wait a minute. Maybe there is.

You know, the computer has been looking kind of tempting lately. Maybe I should give Kurt a taste of his own medicine...


--------


A few hours later, Kurt found me in front of the monitor.

"Excuse me, can I have a minute alone with my wife?"

I smiled slightly at his possessive tone.

"Sure" I answered, winking at the keyboard.

A few minutes before, I had felt a little uncomfortable with my plan. It's been so long since I've really looked at anybody besides Kurt, and I wasn't sure if the game had changed.

I approached the monitor, and sat down in the office chair as seductively as possible. I had been rehearsing a few lines in my head, and I wanted to see if they would work.

"My name's Vista. Can I crash at your place tonight?"

"Need me to unzip your files?"

"You got me stuck on Caps Lock, if you know what I mean."

He was totally impressed. But not really interested. Turns out he and the keyboard are in a homo-technical relationship.

But they were totally supportive, and wanted to help out. So when Kurt walked up, and saw the screen winking at me, I think it got to him.

"Yeah. My wife and I need to have a little talk."

As Kurt dragged me away, I heard the keyboard whisper "you go girlfriend!"

Kurt pulled me into the other room, and sat me down. He rubbed his neck uncomfortably, and stared at the floor.

I relished his discomfort.

After giving himself a silent pep talk, he took a big breath, and looked me straight in the eye.

"I'm sorry I'm still in school."

...Wow. I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't that. It's like he saw through all the other problems, and went straight to the heart of the matter.

"Well, I wasn't going to say anything. But if you could hurry up and fail out, I'd really appreciate it."

"Ok. I can do that" He said, looking deep into my eyes. "For us."


--------


So now we will see. I want to trust him. I want to believe that this can work.

But what if it doesn't? What if he forgets himself in the heat of the moment, and fills in that scantron? What if he passes??

I don't know if I can handle 3 more years of this. If it's not this textbook, it will be another one. And I've seen the way he looks at his drilling equipment.

I don't think I can compete with that.

...What am I supposed to do?

.


23 comments:

amyblam.com said...

You know...holidays are all about contemplating murder. When I was working on lights yesterday, my hubs was cheating on me...with his guns.

Kristina P. said...

I know how you feel! That was us last year. Booooo for education.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Smart Ass Sara said...

Being smart is for LOSERS. You just keep telling him he should be a winner and fail. Otherwise the holiday lingerie is gone forever.

beka said...

Ohmyword, what a wonderful play on words.
Seriously.
Loved the Vista comment.
LOL
Yeah, he should dump it all. Hehe. Or just hurry up and dang finish it!

VM Sehy Photography said...

Nice. You just described how I feel about my husband's MBA textbooks and projects. He hasn't even been accepted into a program yet. He's just doing prerequisites. It's going to be a long 3 or 4 years. Hang in there. Try thinking about the high paying job at the end of all the schooling.

CraftyMummy said...

Oh I hear you! All the way from Australia! And I'm giggling!

Just hope he doesn't go for the "long term committed relationship" with the books... I've known my husband all up for 18 years now and he has only been "exclusively with me" for 2 of those years ;) Why couldn't I have chosen a not-so-smart man?

Corrine said...

There's just something about textbooks that make me want to commit textbook murder anyways... not even mentioning what sharing my hubs with textbooks make we want to do!

ComfyMom~Stacey said...

"a homo-technical relationship"

HEhehehehehehe!

I think that describes my husband's relationship with his cell phone, though I am expecting his neglected laptop to corrupt the phone's hard drive out of jealousy one of these times when he goes to synchronize them.

JoJo said...

Bahahahah you're hilarious!

And seriously what a slut!!

So glad you decided to be more unique today unlike the rest of the blogosphere. I mean what is everyone so damn thankful for.

Family reunions? Excessive calories? Jeans that won't close? Psh!

Chantel said...

Hahaha... this post is hilarious!

Kimberly said...

Stuck on caps lock...Hahah! I think my husband has the same love affair with his Madden football game. Sigh. I never win.

~~Mia~~ said...

ah babe. your pick up lines really rock.

i have so been the kurt of the situation...so all i can say is ~ it's super hard for him knowing that he isn't giving you everything he wants to be.

chin up girl, this is just a few years in the grand scheme of a whole lotta lovin' and good times ;)

Andrea said...

Blessings,
andrea

JeanHasBeenShopping said...

Ha! I don't know what he's studying, but I'm sure it will be worth it in the end.

Natacha said...

Great post! Unfortunately in our house it is me who is the textbook lover... my husband just releases me to my home office every night and watches tv, poor guy... but it is nearly over... I promised.

cornflakegirl74 said...

Gosh, why doesn't he just hurry up and fail already?!? Glad you gave him a piece of his own medicine by eyeing that sexy keyboard... Reeeeor.

Hehe... this post made me giggle. Great, great stuff ;)

Hope you had a very happy Thanksgiving! *HUGS*

Shell said...

LMAO!!! Wish I would have had my laptop-boyfriend with me on Thanksgiving so I could have read this then and had a laugh in the middle of my husband's family's craziness...

Shauna said...

Bwhahahaha!! That is too funny!! I get that way sometimes with Noahs karate.

Lady Jennie said...

This was very clever!

Kyle and Aly said...

Can I just say... HILARIOUS!!! Love reading your posts. They always make me laugh! You are SO creative!

Scott and Jillian said...

As a fellow med school wife, I can totally relate. This was hilarious! Stupid textbooks...

The Empress said...

You have us, girly girl..that's how you'll make it.

The Random Blogette said...

Ummm...I think I love you. Seriously, I love your sense of humor. My husband is like this with his wine. He is a wine rep and I swear sometimes I see him making out with bottles of wine. And he talsk about them all of the time trying to make me jealous! It's sick.

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