"Then Jimmy (my brother) married Annie. Who is gonna name her son James Parker Kaiser the 5th. Or 6th. Or maybe 3rd."
And everybody in my family chuckled, because it's completely true.
Today? I am going to let you in on the joke.
My Dad is James Parker Kaiser the Second. But my Brother is James Parker Kaiser the Fourth.
Weird, huh?
Here, I will tell you how that happened (Warning: this is confusing. But I added a chart at the end, so that should help).
My Great-Grandpa was named James Parker Kaiser. His son, my Grandpa, was named Maurice. Maurice loved his father, and so he named his second son after him.
My Dad, James Parker Kaiser II.
My Dad planned on naming his first son James Parker Kaiser the Third, to carry on the tradition.
....But my Uncle beat him to it. That's right, my cousin Jamie- the one in prison- is named James Parker Kaiser III.
Back then my Dad and his brother were pretty tight. And so when my brother was born, my dad didn't want to step on any toes. But he still wanted to pass on the name. And so...
...my Brother is named James Parker Kaiser IV.
(this is even more confusing to explain in person)
And then my cousin James had an illegitimate child. Who was conceived in a conjugal trailer (I assume). And he named that kid James Parker Kaiser the Fifth.
So now what are we supposed to do?
I am kind of hoping that my brother David jumps on this wagon, and names his son James Parker Kaiser the Ninth. Because it would really fit in this what-the-crap situation.
Ok, you're still confused, aren't you?
Here, I will show you.
That is my family tree, on my Dad's side. You will have to click to enlarge it.
This reminds me of a conversation I was having with my Bloggy friend Sarah, from Sarah's Organized Chaos:
Sarah Strand: I have no bushes in front of my house so if you ARE going to stalk me the best spot would be my back yard. But my neighbor on that side is a pedophile and I would be scared for you. And I’m surrounded by drug dealers, more pedophiles, crazy woman who wears underwear on her porch and then Nazi’s. So if you are going to stalk me, bring a weapon and some pepper spray. ;)
My reply: Drug Dealers...Pedophiles...Nazis...sounds like my extended family. I wish I was kidding.
This is why we don't have family reunions. And possibly why my family moved across the country.
Are all families this crazy?
.
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17 comments:
Yes, they are, uniquely crazy, but definitely crazy!
That? Is pure white-trash heaven, m'dear. I feel that it's okay that I say that for a few reasons:
1) I stalk (and comment on) your blog regularly so I feel like we are connected. Even if it is not reciprocated.
2) I hail from a white-trash family & I generally feel better about myself when I can drag others down with me.
3) You (& your sister; whom I moderately stalk as opposed to you which I religiously stalk) are the phoenix(s? phoenii?) that rose above.
4) In case that last comment was lost in translation, it was intended to be a compliment.
5) You're welcome.
6) He should TOTALLY go with a random number like 10 and they could call him "cinco" for short. But not like Chad "OchoCinco" because THAT would just be weird.
That? Is pure white-trash heaven, m'dear. I feel that it's okay that I say that for a few reasons:
1) I stalk (and comment on) your blog regularly so I feel like we are connected. Even if it is not reciprocated.
2) I hail from a white-trash family & I generally feel better about myself when I can drag others down with me.
3) You (& your sister; whom I moderately stalk as opposed to you which I religiously stalk) are the phoenix(s? phoenii?) that rose above.
4) In case that last comment was lost in translation, it was intended to be a compliment.
5) You're welcome.
6) He should TOTALLY go with a random number like 10 and they could call him "cinco" for short. But not like Chad "OchoCinco" because THAT would just be weird.
And? Apparently your blog thought my comment was so super-duper awesome that it should be published twice. I should get some sort of kick-back for writing this shiz.
i think every family has their own brand of crazy, some more than others. i have to say i enjoyed reading your story and thanks for the family tree diagram. that made it much easier to understand.
OR they could name the kid Billy the 17th. For no damn reason and confuse even the poor child resulting in a lot of therapy.
And I love that you have such an awesome family tree. I think you SHOULD have a family reunion with a live prison feed. How white trashly awesome would that party be???
Ok, you want confusing, try this:
My sister Courtney and my daughter Cassidy are sisters.
My SIL Nikole is also my cousin-in-law... or as we call her, my Suzin.
Which then makes my neice and nephews my 2nd cousins.
Shall I explain? Probably because right now we sound sort of backwoods, in-breeders.
My parents adopted Courtney who is obviously now my sister. My husband and I went on to adopt our daughter Cassidy who is Courtney's half-bio-sister. They never lived together. They are 11 years apart.
My brother married my husbands cousin, so she is my SIL through marriage to my brother and my cousin through my marriage to my husband. :)
But luckily no pediophiles or crazies!
my uncle eugene milano...you might have to scroll down but he is on there...http://www.nytimes.com/1989/04/06/us/philadelphia-mob-leader-is-convicted-of-murder.html
my step-dad is 1 of 10 kids, and he's the 3rd youngest, i'm 23, and the first grandchild to be married legitimately (and legally) to someone of the opposite sex, and not be forced into marriage due to pregnancy or alcohol.
Wanna peak into that side?
http://www.mycooprocks.coop/play.php?vid=1085
Yeah that's my cousin Joe rapping (last I checked he changed his name to Rudy, and was working a the circus (not lying) and carried a machete always....)
Family is just crazy.... Always crazy.
My dad's side of the family is kind of the same way, however, some are finally turning around. I would love to write a blog post about it, but wouldn't want to offend anyone. Maybe I will shoot you an e-mail sometime of all the madness :)
My family is a little crazy...I have a huge family everyone living in the same town and we are all related to a ton of people one way or another. We used to joke that to date anyone we would need to check the family tree but if it makes you feel any better when my sister was in high school she and her boyfriend shared the same cousin but they weren't related. We were cousins with Dave on his Mom's side and her boyfriend was cousins with Dave's Dad's side. Or how about this. My Dad married my cousins mother-in-law making him Uncle-father-in-law Steve. Making my cousins husband my step-brother-cousin and their kids are my Dad's great-niece-granddaughters. How is that for redneck!
I'll stick with the pretty darned normal members of your family.
Totally funny convo. w/Sarah, and the whole baby naming situation.
HA! We all have those kinds of relatives and those kinds of neighbors. There are a lot of crazies and criminals out there!
Dh and I were just saying, that getting to know your neighbors is a blessing and a curse. We have gotten to know some lovely people and also know which houses scare us.
Although hopefully no Nazis in the neighborhood, with us being Jewish and all!
THIS IS HILARIOUS! I miss you and your blog and being bloggy buddies. *hugs*
yes, totally nutso...every single one of them!! okay, jail, do tell!
Our family is 'normal' no one in jail, no one married to a relative, everyone waited until they'd been married a few years to have kids.
But up until my dad's generation that side of the family tended to have a major falling out with the rest of the family & move away, never to speak of them again. Great great grandpa left England entirely, great grandpa left Philly, grandpa left Michigan. Dad claims he would have left too but as an only child he had no one to leave.
Ah yes. They sure are a weird bunch aren't they?
I still can't believe James did that... but I like the idea of David claiming James Parker Kaiser the 9th for his first born. LoL, our family could have a reality tv show
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