Wednesday, October 6, 2010

He hurts her. She loves him. And it's not going to change.



I wrote this on her 4 year anniversary. Everybody else was saying "congratulations!" and "I love you guys!" But all I could do was stare at her facebook page, and wonder if they were blind.

I didn't post it then. And I've been thinking about it ever since. I know she will never read this- we have drifted apart over the past year, when we both moved away, and I stopped pretending.

Mostly when I stopped pretending.

It needs to be said.


I've never seen it happen. She never presses charges, and most of the time she "loves him so much" and "he is her other half."

But every few months, she leaves him. She stays with her friends, her family. Sometimes with me. There, she is open and honest about how bad it gets. "He punched me in the face." "He threw me through a wall." "He controls everything I do. It's like I'm not a person anymore. I'm just a puppet, or a doll." "I have to wear long sleeves/scarves/long pants/sunglasses to hide all the bruises."

She vows that it's over, that she is not going back. She talks about how she is worth more than this, and you start thinking that things are going to change.

But then she misses him. And he sends her flowers. He promises that he loves her, and he will never hurt her again.

A few days later she "loves him so much" and "he is her other half."

If you try to talk to her about it then, she cuts you out of her life. Because she is happy again, and can't you see that they are in love?

I don't think it's ever going to change.


------

If you or someone you love is experiencing domestic violence, there are places you can go for help.

Please check out this website for the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

For Anonymous & Confidential Help 24/7, call 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)


.


23 comments:

JeanHasBeenShopping said...

That is awful. I hope she eventually gets out for good.

Danielle said...

This drives me NUTS! Mostly that someone I care about cares so little for themselves that they don't think they deserve something better... and secondarily that you know until she makes the decision for good there is nothing you can do and your totally powerless.

Makes me crazy.

D

4stemmes said...

This is really sad. Sad for her and sad for you.

I hope that she can find the strength one day to leave him. For good.

And I sincerely hope that when that day comes, she hasn't burned every last bridge she has with the people that care about her the most while defending the one that cares about her the least.

Donda said...

So sad. I had a friend like that along time ago.

Ana Paula@ Get Craftin said...

That is too sad! I hope that one day she has the courage to open her eyes and get out. There's someone for everyone out there, someone who will actually love her and not hurt her.

Anyways thanks for the comment on my blog! I'll be there next week to dress you ok ;) haha I wish that'd be a blast!

The Answer Is Chocolate said...

Devastatingly sad, but true. It's not going to change until she decides to change it. She will be lucky to have yo there for her when she is ready. Peace.

~~Mia~~ said...

i'm really sorry to hear this, lanie. i know it has to be tough to know it's going on, but the truth of it is that she is the only one who can make the ultimate decision, the final choice is hers. all you can do is be there if and when she needs you, even though that sucks.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Nancy's Couture said...

It's sad! I had a friend like that a long time ago. The hard part is wanting to help someone who isn't ready to stand up and realize they deserve better. You can only wait and help when and if they are ready.

The Empress said...

I do not understand this, and would find it difficult to continue a friendship.

To continue a frienship would be to allow co dependency. Saying, "hey, it's alright if you live like this. " There has to be consequences to what she's doing...and loss of friends may be one.

Does she really sickly love him?

Or has he threated to kill her if she lives.

It's like that sick eminem song "I love the way you lie."

Sick.

Melissa said...

Speaking from personal experience, it will most likely take a hitting bottom kind of episode. Speaking from experience it is nice to see that you care. Speaking from experience she has yet to run through the reasons she cannot leave him. Speaking from experience please don't stop giving her a place to stay, one day she will not go back.

Shell said...

This is so incredibly heartbreaking. I hope one day she finds the strength to leave him.

Di said...

So sad but you can't blame her for it. Its a sickness of sorts and a tough cycle for them to break. I hope she can do it!

frumpfactor said...

This broke my heart. I'm sorry. I agree with Nancy's Couture.... but I see the Empress' point, too. So hard. And not fair to you. I hope she finds a way to break the cycle, too.

Kenzie said...

I can't imagine...I hope she finds the strength she needs to leave him for good! And she is so lucky to have you to turn too! I will pray that she finds the strength she needs!

Kristen @ ladybug-blessings.com said...

this is so sad! I hope she finds the strength to leave for good!

Gosfam said...

Ugh!! These types of situations are so common. It is so hard to be the friend on the outside and don't know what to do.

viewfromdownhere said...

I couldn't appreciate this post more. I know so many people who have been touched by DV, as well as dealing with it in my job. My sister got out of a situation like this with her daughter (my now 4 year old niece Roo). Unfortunately, no my niece has to undergo play therapy to deal with repressed memories of things she witnessed. Situations like this happen way too often and the curtain needs to be pulled back to expose domestic violence. Thank you for posting this...I'm going to tweet this today, too...

Corinne said...

I worked at a Women's Center throughout college and I was amazed with the huge number of cases we would see exactly like this.
I tried to understand it each and every time, but I honestly never could fully grasp it.

Kuddos to you for bringing awareness.

Amber Dawn said...

Wow~ That was beautifully written and so sincere helena. I had a friend whose parents did this to her. And then too, what do you do? They were her parents. She would stay with our family and a few weeks would go by and her mom would call and say she's sorry and the whole cycle would start over again. It was truly heartbreaking.

ty said...

This is awful for her and for you. I've done the same thing, but not nearly to her extent. It's partly naivety and partly hope, and you're using both to try to drown out the feeling that you know it's wrong. No matter what you say, it's going to have to be HER to finally decide to get out for good. You just have to be a great friend to stand by her, as frustrating as it is.

I'm so sorry ... it's an awful thing to happen.

janine said...

She needs to get help before the guy goes any further with this. My best friend lost a sister over a man like this---after years of abuse, he eventually took it one final step further and one day shot her. He also tried to kill their two kids but they escaped the home, ran down the street and found a neighbor willing to help them. For their 30 year old mother, it was too late.
As difficult as it may seem to be a friend to a woman like this who would tolerate this kind of abuse, sometimes a friend willing to put all prejudice aside is exactly what is needed. I'm not a religious person by any means but still I believe there are times that God puts certain people exactly where they need to be--even though they don't even know it.

Grimmgirl said...

Such an important topic -- our culture needs more opportunities for women to be able to make it own their own and know they will be all right. I hope your friend sees the light.

JoJo said...

:-(. So upsetting.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...