Friday, July 9, 2010

Thank goodness for sisters......and Cosmo.





A year ago tonight (the 8th of July) I was getting a pedicure. In my dads living room. As my feet were soaking in an inflatable pool of hot water, my fingernails were being carefully french-tipped.

"Stop fidgeting! I need to concentrate."

While Amber worked on my fingers, Chantel sat next to me and stared. Creepily.

"Are you nervous?"

"Um, yeah" I said quietly. "Like, a lot. Not about tomorrow, just, you know, about....tomorrow. I should go work on the signs. Or maybe we can go over the music again?"

"No!" They exclaimed together. Looking from one exasperated face to the other, I realized there was no way my sisters were going to let me leave that couch alive.

Sometimes its hard to remember that I'm the big sister. Amber is so much better at it than I am. Probably because she got married a few years before then, and once people are further along in their life stages, it's weird to think of them as younger.

Or maybe it's because she's taller.

"Helena, tonight is about relaxing. While your fingernails are drying, I'll get your bubble bath ready. That is, if I ever finish them. Stop fidgeting."

I rolled my eyes, but it was just for show. I knew they were right.

Chantel leaned back, and rephrased her question carefully. "So, are you excited?"

"I am. Of course. Except....Well...." I took a deep breath, and then blurted it out really fast: "I'm not sure I want to have sex! I mean, not tomorrow."

They stared at me, eyebrows raised. I leaned in and whispered:

"You guys, it's scheduled."

It was true. Tomorrow night, we were scheduled to do it. It had been penciled in (in dark green ink) and mailed to hundreds of people.

There was even a Facebook group devoted to the event! I mean, it was called something different, like "1+1=FOREVER" or something similarly awesome and facebook-group-worthy. But everyone knew what that meant.

WE ARE HAVING SEX ON THIS DATE. BRING PRESENTS.

As I slipped into the bubble bath a few minutes later, I made a vow to myself. I might not make him wait for days, but he could damn well wait until after the reception. No after-brunch quickies, or in-the-car hump fests. No way buddy. I waited 24 years for this night, and he had better make it romantic, or so help me...

I felt a lot better after that. In fact, I was kind of hoping he would try to get it on outside the Temple. I knew just what I would say.

I leaned back in the bubbles, and opened the Cosmo magazine sitting next to the tub.

....Huh. So many choices. Maybe that one, with the handstand? Or hey this one is only a level two difficulty...

(Warning: You aren't gonna want your kids to be staring over your shoulder for either of those. Or, you know, your boss)

So thank you Chantel, for keeping me company. And Amber, you knew just what to say. And Cosmo....what the heck are you doing in my wedding pictures?







22 comments:

elizabeth @ twelvecrafts said...

You are hilarious! I must do two things:
1. Follow you - check
2. E-mail you about your fabulous blog button - check.

Visiting from TT's NFF. (I love using the lingo.) ;)

the thrifty ba said...

ha ha ha ha!
happy wedding anniversary! i will happy other thing anniversary you in a few days.

Annie said...

See! I knew I missed you! Love you tons. You rock. Happy Anniversary.

viewfromdownhere said...

ha, this is too funny! Happy anniversary!

Caitrin said...

Such a hilarious story! Thank you for making me laugh this early in the morning!! Happy late anniversary!

Shipley family and Tulle Cool said...

I thought I was the only one that felt this way. I told Matt that we were having bunk beds so no one would think we were doing anything.

After we were married I was standing with my Grandfather at the church bookstore and I said "I am so tired, I just want to go to bed." He said "Nikki, Grandfathers don't want to think about stuff like that." He thought I was talking about the s.e.x. word. I so was NOT. I was actually tired because my Grandmother and Mom kept me up all night with their loud talking. So embarrassing


I think most girls are a bit nervous about it before they get married. I love that you actually wrote about it.

The Answer Is Chocolate said...

Sure sure, you say you're not a craft blog but then you have that crafty thing up there, so I guess I have to follow you *sigh*. Came from NFF...stop by when you get a chance. There's always chocolate, and it's always calorie free! http://answerischocolate.blogspot.com/

With our best said...

You're darn funny!! GREAT SITE!! I can't wait to explore more!! I am your newest FRIDAY follower!

Plz visit and follow at:
http://www.withourbest.com
-Karissa

Teresa said...

hey! stopping by from NFF, i'm a new follower =)

have a good weekend! xo

Jax @ AlyandAsh said...

ha-hahahah love it!

alishka babushka said...

so i completely agree 100%. makes me nervous too. and i don't even have that date scheduled yet!

Crazy Brunette said...

Awww, shit!

Well you chaste little bitch!!!

I'd have LOVED to be a part of the FB group hooker!

Chantel and Michael Magistro said...

I was not creepy! Maybe a little, but if I was it would be because you asked me to distract you or something.

Also, I remember how hard it was to sneak that magazine into the pics without the photographer noticing.

Kirsten and Colby said...

you should write a novel. I'd buy it! You've always been a good writer/story teller. do it!-not colby

Cate said...

This was awesome! I can completely relate to the younger sister(s) being married (and in my case having kids) before I did. My "Big Sister" role has never extended to marriage or family which I guess just leaves shoes.
I came over from the Lady Bloggers tea party & am following you on GFC & twitter now! Great to meet you!
Cate http://reallifewithkids.com

Sarah @ The Pumpkin Patch said...

I remember this all too well! I am impressed with your ability to actually write about it though.

The days leading up to our wedding I wasn't really worried about "IT". Mostly becuase I refused to think about it.

I had my 2 close friends over and we were getting ready to go to bed. I changed into my pjs and we said our good nights when my BFF said, "um, Sarah, if you are planning on having sex tomorrow you should probably shave your legs." Yes, they were hairy enough to actually see the hair, but it was December so it wasn't really that weird...right?

That's when I totally FREAKED OUT! Neither of them were married, so they had nothing to say. I just couldn't call my Mom, so I called my BFF's mom at like 10:00 at night and talked to her. It was really awkward, but it helped...a little.

Thanks for the stroll down memory lane. I haven't thought about that in years. :)

Cheryl said...

Ha! I never thought of it that way, that everyone knows you're going to be doing it on your wedding night! Fun post!

The Empress said...

In this day and age, that was VERY VERY sweet.

And thank you.

The Drama Mama said...

That was an interesting way to think about it (I never did, LOL.) This was a really cute post, and you made a very cute bride.

Stopping in from the red dress.

Ericka said...

you know that got me too - how everyone knew what would be going on the wedding night! and love the photos!

hello from the red dress club :)

Sandra said...

Love the picture of your manicure in action! Still laughing! And thank goodness for your sisters!

Adelle said...

That was charming, and sweet, and I remember feeling the exact same way!

Stopping by from TRDC.

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