Saturday, May 1, 2010

Meet Andrew.

Andrew is my best friend. He's thoughtful, caring, and always on my side- especially when I've been fighting with my husband. He's pretty much like my sister, only he's a guy. And he looks a lot like Kurt.

I vent. It's how I deal. When I don't vent, I seethe and stew and get angrier and angrier until the small, slightly irritating event has been blown way out of proportion and I DON'T CARE IF I'M OVERREACTING, KURT. THIS IS HOW I FEEL, AND IF YOU LOVED ME YOU WOULD RESPECT THAT.

Yeah. I am that much fun to live with. You know you wish you were married to me.

So to avoid having a major meltdown every few days, I talk to people. My sisters, my brother. My dad sometimes. Depends on the problem. They are all used to it, and know exactly what to say. Since getting married, I mostly talk to Amber when I'm upset at Kurt. She's been married for a long time, so she understands, and she likes Kurt enough that she isn't gonna start hating him.

They listen, they commiserate, they validate, and then they make me see that he probably didn't mean it, and he loves me, and I really should go talk to him.

Kurt is so not ok with it.

In fact, a few months ago we had a GIANT fight about it.

So now what? He can be a real jerk sometimes, and if I'm not allowed to talk to anyone, I feel very isolated and alone. And then the anger grows and grows and I stop doing the dishes for a week because that is the perfect punishment for him, and he needs to pay.

So we compromised. This is where Andrew comes in.

"I tried it Kurt! I tried not talking to anyone. But now I feel like I am going to explode!"

"Then talk to me."

"Talk to you about you? No way. You'd just get defensive and try to explain your side and I"M NOT READY TO HEAR THAT YET."

"Maybe... could you pretend like I'm someone else?"

.....huh. That could work.

*Sniffle* "Ok. You can be my best friend. Are you a girl?"

"Um, probably not."

"Then you have to be gay. Because I can't have a best guy friend who is straight. That's just a bad idea."


"Should we use our cell phones?"

"I don't think so."

"Ok. Then... how about we are at your apartment. And your name is Andrew."

It worked. I was able to tell Andrew about how awful Kurt was acting, and he followed all the steps. Listening, commiserating, validating.

"He doesn't deserve you honey."

It was great. He got a little distracted by the window "I'm trying to picture some fabulous curtains", but other than that he was exactly what I needed.

I know it sounds crazy. But it works for us.

Do you guys have any crazy/brilliant or quirky things that work for you?


Laura said...

I used to hold things in too until I would just explode and cry and yeah... not healthy!

People think we're weird because we honestly don't fight anymore, have no fought in probably a year. We talk so much about everything and make it a point to talk about the issues and just let the little stuff go, and talking about it before it becomes a major ordeal makes it all a lot easier.

Ive also had to learn that yes I can talk to people about my issues but they're just going to listen, nothing will actually get resolved. Plus i've had to look at the fact that I don't want to talk bad about my husband to anyone, even if it's just venting, because if I talk bad and disrespect him in that way how I can expect other people to respect him?

It might be quirky but if what you're doing works for you guys, go for it! It's better to talk/vent your frustrations to "Andrew" than other people who yes, can listen, but cannot help resolve the issues.

Unknown said...

Haaaaaa! I was totally not expecting that! Seriously, that is a great story. Something you can share with your children and grandchildren when they're having problems of their own. So sweet!!!

Rachel said...

That's a really cool idea...though I'm not sure if it would work with my husband lol...we both have a hard time keeping our cool when we're upset.

But like I said before, generally the rules that I follow are:

- If it's something small that I'm not going to be mad about a week from the incident, I just take some time to myself to recharge and I don't even bother talking to him about it (unless of course, it's something that he says or does often...then it does need to be addressed).

In these cases though, I ALWAYS vent to somebody about it. Usually my friends Kate or Stephani. My mom is never much help with these I usually leave her out of my problems haha.

- If it's something big, I wait to discuss it until I can be calm about it. I've discovered that random snapping about things definitely does not work with my husband.

I think it's important that you have somebody to talk about everything with. And I think husbands should respect that. They are a different creature, they don't talk to their friends about every little thing that bothers them like women do.

My husband didn't like it much at first either...he didn't like knowing that my best friend knows every little thing that he ever did or said wrong.

But I explained to him that if I didn't have that, we would fight a lot more...and not only do my closest friends know every bad thing he's done, they also know every little sweet thing he's done or said to me.

I think relationships work a lot better when each sex realizes and accepts things about the other gender.

For example: men would have less problems with women if women choose to accept and embrace the things that make their Like watching sports, checking out pretty women (though it's never okay to do this in front of their wife...unless the wife is okay with it at least), going out with the boys, etc. The problem often is that most women don't let men BE MEN.

And men need to understand that we are emotional creatures, we talk about EVERYTHING with our best friends. We will cry about stupid things. Specific dates and times are important to use for reasons they don't understand. Etc etc.

The key to a great relationship, I believe, is for each person to get over being annoyed with the characteristics that make the other spouse male or female...and then to find effective ways to deal with other problems productively.

The end.

Unknown said...

I usually just punch him in the ribs. He's in pain and I feel better. It's a win win situation.

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Fox and Amy said...

Wow--Kurt is a really, really good husband if he pretends to be your gay best friend and listens to complaints about himself. I am amazed! Go you guys!

Jamie said...

ha! I love it! I don't think bryan would be okay pretending to be someone else to even listen to me vent. I just vent to my good friends and don't let bryan know. he he he...

~~Mia~~ said...

i am just sooo glad that you no longer have to vent to others about your husband. cuz like geez, can you imagine if, like, say ~ you posted about it on the www or something?!!! pffft, now that would be just telling everyone all about it!!!! i know, i know, there i go, talking *crazy thoughts* again!!!!

hehe girl, i miss you!

Tyson and Rachelle said...

That is so great. I giggled through your post. Maybe I need to get an Andrew!

Val said...

I just stumbled upon your blog and I must say that out of all the zillion posts I've read this is my absolute favorite! I just laughed and laughed. What a great solution for you guys :)!

Anonymous said...

Then: I am a follower. If I can't figure out why you have that angry face on I will follow you around and ask you over and over again "what's wrong" which drives you crazy and then you do get angry.
Now: I don't poke the bear! Sometimes you don't even know what's wrong and you definitely don't know how to talk about it so when I see the scrunched up face I ask once and then remember not to poke an angry bear. Bears bite. When you are ready you will let me in. Sometimes I ask if the bear is ready to be poked just in case you are ready to talk.

Rosie said...

I love this post. I've always found it helpful to write a big ol' letter detailing every annoying/offensive/nasty abuse I've suffered. Then just destroy the letter. It helps me to get it all out.

When I was getting married and my mom told me I couldn't complain to her and shouldn't complain to girlfriends about our issues I was like, then who do I TELL?! she said "uhm, heavenly father?" yup. she's that righteous. :)

Tara : Damon : Ellis : Hudson said...

ha, that's a funny one. i lol'd.

i can relate to your hubby though- i dated a guy for practically forever (way way too long) and he used to talk to his sister about everything that was going wrong with us and analyze it with her. it pissed me off so bad! she was all nosy and up in our business and he was all loose-mouthed. and so i told my husband that if he ever told his sisters/mother about anything we were arguing about or having a hard time with, i'd leave and go home to texas for a week or longer and he could just go live with his sister instead since he wanted to talk to her so much and...

you get the idea.

i like your idea though. we might try it. but my husband will play a straight guy cause i really do have a straight guy best friend and it's kinda awesome to get a normal guy perspective.

ps, you're becoming like all popular and internet sensation-y...

Adam and Jess said...

I thought this was absolutely hilarious. I'm catching up on blogs and this totally made my day. I even had Adam read it because it was so clever. We can't believe it works for you, but that's great that you found a solution to the problem. I have a hard time venting too but it's hard holding it all in sometimes, huh? very, very creative.

mrs. potato head said...

sorry. i misunderstood your blog post and i am sorry for giving you a hard time.

Megan said...

Sure, it seems like a good idea at first. But then you start thinking of Andrew when you should be thinking of your MIL and things go downhill fast...

beka said...

Okay, so hopped over from the link you posted on Things I Can't Say.
I think that idea is awesome!!
And it makes me laugh.
But if it's works, that's so cool:)

Jessica said...

What a great idea! It probably won't ever happen here but I can daydream and pretend it could.

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